Dawn comes later and later now, and I, who only a month ago could sit with coffee every morning watching the light walk down the hill to the edge of the pond and place a doe there, shyly drinking,
then see the light step out upon the water, sowing reflections to either side — a garden of trees that grew as if by magic — now see no more than my face, mirrored by darkness, pale and odd,
startled by time. While I slept, night in its thick winter jacket bridled the doe with a twist of wet leaves and led her away, then brought its black horse with harness that creaked like a cricket, and turned
the water garden under. I woke, and at the waiting window found the curtains open to my open face; beyond me, darkness. And I, who only wished to keep looking out, must now keep looking in. ~Ted Kooser “A Letter in October”
God knows we seek out light these autumn mornings
praying to see multicolors filling the lines outside; my face a shadow in a blackened window pane
Some mornings we can only see our own reflection mirrored by darkness, startled by time, as we wonder what comes next.
God knows, as each year passes, we need His Light illuminating us as we look beyond ourselves, but even more as we look within.
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to the heartbeat. Would our child live? Air tinted
gray, I moved closer, searched the screen
for the halo of bone,
touched glass
and stroked our bad luck,
my finger leaving its smudge
on the oval glow,
delicate as a grape. The head would
never form. Grace stared at the brightness
then closed her eyes, the light flickered
on our hands. This second child. Never.
The dark
washed in, heavy as water.
Did our baby know pain? Inside tiny feet
kicking, small hands
open, fingers reached out. Drift
of white static, this broken globe
we had made. ~Brian Komei Dempster “Glow” from Seize
The call came in the middle of a busy night as we worked on a floppy baby with high fever, a croupy toddler whose breathing squeezed and squeaked, a pale adolescent transfusing due to leukemia bleeding.
It was an anencephalic baby just born, unexpected, unwanted in a hospital across town, and she needed a place to die.
Our team of three puzzled how to manage a baby without a brain– simply put her in a room, swaddled, kept warm but alone? Hydrate her with a dropper of water to moisten her mouth? Offer her a taste of milk?
She arrived by ambulance, the somber attendants leaving quickly, unnerved by her mewing cries.
I took the wrapped bundle and peeled away the layers to find a plump full term baby, her hands gripping, arms waving once freed; just another newborn until I pulled off her stocking cap and looked into an empty crater — only a brainstem lumped at the base.
No textbook pictures had prepared me for the wholeness, the holiness of this living, breathing child.
Her forehead quit above the eyebrows with the entire skull missing, tufts of soft brown hair fringed her perfect ears, around the back of her neck. Her eyelids puffy, squinting tight, seemingly too big above a button nose and rosebud pink lips.
She squirmed under my fingers, her muscles strong, breaths coming steady despite no awareness of light or touch or noise.
Yet she cried in little whimpers, mouth working, seeking, lips tentatively gripping my fingertip. A bottle warmed, nipple offered, a tentative suck allowing tiny flow, then, amazing, a gurgling swallow.
Returning every two hours, more for me than for her, I picked her up to smell the salty sweet scent of amnion still on her skin as she grew dusky.
Her breathing weakened, her muscles loosened, giving up her grip on a world she would never see or hear or feel — to behold something far more glorious.
I gazed into her emptiness, waiting my turn to be filled.
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When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.
For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.
I am not speaking of all of you; I know whom I have chosen. But the Scripture will be fulfilled, ‘He who ate my bread has lifted his heel against me.’ (Psalm 41:9)
I am telling you this now, before it takes place, that when it does take place you may believe that I am he.
Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever receives the one I send receives me, and whoever receives me receives the one who sent me.” John 13: 12-20
Rembrandt Head of Christ
I, too, stood on the sacred image … on the face of the man who has been ever in my thoughts, … on the best and most beautiful face that any man can ever know, on the face of him whom I have always longed to love.
I understand your pain and your suffering. It is for that reason that I am here.
Lord, I resented your silence.
I was not silent. I suffered beside you. ~Shisaku Endo from Silence – an interchange at the end of the book between Father Sebastian Rodrigues and the voice of the Lord Jesus
Then Judas in his hot desire Said, “Give me what you will.” Christ spoke to him with words of fire, “Then, Judas, you must kill, One whom you love, One who loves you As only God’s son can: This is the work for you to do To save the creature man.“
“And men to come will curse your name, And hold you up to scorn; In all the world will be no shame Like yours; this is love’s thorn. It takes strong will of heart and soul, But man is under ban. Think, Judas, can you play this role In heaven’s mystic plan?”
So Judas took the sorry part, Went out and spoke the word, And gave the kiss that broke his heart, But no one knew or heard. And no one knew what poison ate Into his palm that day, Where, bright and damned, the monstrous weight Of thirty white coins lay.
It was not death that Judas found Upon a kindly tree; The man was dead long ere he bound His throat as final fee. And who can say if on that day When gates of pearl swung wide, Christ did not go His honored way With Judas by His side?
And then there is the love for the enemy– love for the one who does not love you but mocks, threatens, and inflicts pain. The tortured’s love for the torturer. This is God’s love. It conquers the world. ~Frederick Buechnerfrom The Magnificent Defeat
Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted his heel against me. Psalm 41:9
…he shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heel. Genesis 3:15
Jesus knew Judas would “lift his heel against him” – Jesus chose him for that very reason, a close friend who had been a cherished part of the twelve.
The kick is hard, but not unexpected.
A heel crushes the image of Jesus and all that is good and beautiful.
Yet, this Lord is able to understand the pain of the betrayer and know suffering so much, He brings it onto Himself.
It was for this reason He came. It was for this reason He invites us to eat the bread of life alongside Him. We are filled and forgiven because He loves us enough to take our kicks and crushes.
What a gift to be known so well by God Himself.
I am reading slowly through the words in the Book of John over the next year alongside my church family. Once a week, I will invite you to “come and see” what those words might mean as we explore His promises together.
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He is a hard one to write a poem about. Like Napoleon. Hannibal. Genghis Khan. Already so large in history. To do it right, I have to sit down with him. At a place of his own choosing. Probably a steakhouse. We take a table in a corner. But people still recognize him, come up and slap him on the back, say how much they enjoyed studying about him in school and ask for his autograph. After he eats, he leans back and lights up a cigar and asks me what I want to know.
Notebook in hand, I suggest that we start with the Little Big Horn and work our way back. But I realize I have offended him. That he would rather take it the other way around. So he rants on about the Civil War, the way west, the loyalty of good soldiers and now and then twists his long yellow hair with his fingers. But when he gets to the part about Sitting Bull, about Crazy Horse, he develops a twitch above his right eye, raises his finger for the waiter, excuses himself and goes to the restroom while I sit there along the bluffs with the entire Sioux nation, awaiting his return. ~David Shumate “Custer” from High Water Mark
Bighorn Battlefield – National Park Service photo
When my family took two cross-country trips by car, once in 1963 and another in 1965, my father, a former officer and battalion leader in the Marines during WWII, was the primary driver and keeper of maps and deadlines. He could be convinced to stop at any number of state and national parks, points of interest and historical markers, but all four times we passed the sign indicating the Battle of the Little Bighorn, he would not stop despite our pleading.
“You’ve seen as much as there is up there,” he would say as we sped past, pointing at the marble monolith at the top of the hill where the battle took place. I would look around at the desolate countryside of brown grass with no trees, in the middle of nowhere, and wonder how this place could ever have warranted a battle to the death.
I was frustrated at my dad’s refusal to stop to learn more, but it was only a monument and stone gave markers. No interpretive center yet.
I had certainly learned about General George Custer’s Last Stand in my elementary school history lessons. But my interest was primarily driven by a 1958 Disney movie “Tonka Wakan” that I had seen in the theater and then later on Sunday nights on “Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color.” I thought I understood the tragedy of that day from the standpoint of the U.S. Calvary and the only surviving horse Comanche, who in the Disney-imagined version of the battle, was raised and trained by a young Indian boy who turned the horse over to the calvary and then later was part of the Little Bighorn Battle in defense of Indian territory.
So I had a very skewed and Disney-fied version of history and my father was not helping me understand more deeply. It wasn’t until much later that I realized the likely reason he was so reluctant to stop and examine the history of the Battle of the Little Bighorn.
My father was ashamed of it. He was a humble man who knew there could be no pride or sense of honor in that place.
He had likely been trained in his Marine Officer’s Training in 1942 to understand that the poor decision-making of a cocky, overly self-assured General led to the slaughter of five companies of the 7th Calvary Regiment as well as their Indian scouts in addition to dozens of Lakota and Dakota Sioux, Cheyenne and Arapahoe warriors.
My father had lived through three South Pacific island battles where poor decision-making was a death sentence. He didn’t feel the need to rehash a sorry history in this desolate part of Montana.
As an adult, I’ve visited the Battlefield with my husband and children several times, have learned more about what led to the battle, what took place that day and how the indigenous people of the region have memorialized the spot from their own perspective. When we approach this spot on our cross-country drives, I’m filled with regret and remorse at the loss of life and the eventual loss of a Native American culture that could never again be as it was, despite the defeat they handed to the cavalry that day. I learned more when our son lived and taught high school math on the Pine Ridge Reservation of the Lakota Sioux people and we visited the site of Wounded Knee, another tear-drenched place in U.S. Cavalry and Native American history.
We the people, most of us descendants of immigrant Americans, comprise the U.S. government and military — which has proven recently it doesn’t always make the best or wisest decisions.
War, suffering, loss and death cannot and should not be Disney-fied. History is more complex than a paragraph in a textbook, or a tweet or AI meme on social media from the White House.
We have so much to learn about our shame and our need for greater humility. We need to understand who we have offended, not just how offended we feel. We can’t hide from reality in the bathroom or drive on past the sites of these bloody conflicts, hoping it will all be forgotten.
We must never forget.
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If we could, like the trees, practice dying, do it every year just as something we do— like going on vacation or celebrating birthdays— it would become as easy a part of us as our hair or clothing.
Someone would show us how to lie down and fade away as if in deepest meditation, and we would learn about the fine dark emptiness, both knowing it and not knowing it, and coming back would be irrelevant.
Whatever it is the trees know when they stand undone, surprisingly intricate, we need to know also so we can allow that last thing to happen to us as if it were only any ordinary thing,
leaves and lives falling away, the spirit, complex, waiting in the fine darkness to learn which way it will go. ~Grace Butcher, “Learning from Trees” from Poetry of Presence
And is it not enough that every year A richly laden autumn should unfold And shimmer into being leaf by leaf, It’s scattered ochres mirrored everywhere In hints and glints of hidden red and gold Threaded like memory through loss and grief, When dusk descends,when branches are unveiled, When roots reach deeper than our minds can feel And ready us for winter with strange calm, That I should see the inner tree revealed And know its beauty as the bright leaves fall And feel its truth within me as I am?
It is not yet enough. So I must try, In my poor turn, to help you see it too, As though these leaves could be as rich as those, That red and gold might glimmer in your eye, That autumn might unfold again in you, Feeling with me what falling leaves disclose. ~Malcolm Guite from “And is it Not Enough?”
If I were to die as a leaf does, I would want to change my clothes just bit by bit, overnight oozing gradually to scarlet, bleeding into the green a little bit more, until I’m so unrecognizable, I’ll seem brand new.
That would be ideal.
The reality is a fading to grey and brown, my edges withered and torn, bug-bitten with holes and weather-beaten bruised, dangling and fearful of letting go and so forgotten.
So I remember: no one, not one, falls without its Maker knowing. No one, not one, dies without being made brand new.
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What is this unfolding, this slow- going unraveling of gift held in hands open to the wonder and enchantment of it all?
What is this growing, this rare showing, like blossoming of purple spotted forests by roadsides grown weary with winter months?
Seasons affected, routinely disordered by playful disturbance of divine glee weaving through limbs with sharpened shards of mirrored light, cutting dark spaces, interlacing creation, commanding life with whimsical delight.
Everything is made to perish; the wonder of anything at all is that it has not already done so. No, he thought. The wonder of anything is that it was made in the first place. What persists beyond this cataclysm of making and unmaking? ~Paul Hardingfrom Tinkers
God does not leave us to perish in the valley of dry bones.
We may think we are invincible, yet the truth is: we are mere dust, ready to blow away. The immense power of the breath of God fills newborn lungs and will someday restore the empty lungs of the resurrected dead.
He rebuilds our muscle and sinews, reconnects us bone to bone, person to person, living to rattle and sing as the body of Christ, mirrored reflections in His image.
This unfolding, this growing, this blossoming, this breaking: Lord, keep dizzying us with your blessings, now and always.
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The room darkened, darkened until our nakedness became a form of gray; then the rain came bursting, and we were sheltered, blessed, upheld in a world of elements that held us justified. In all the love I had felt for you before, in all that love, there was no love like that I felt when the rain began… ~John Updike from “The Blessing” from Collected Poems.
As the rains return, as we shelter together, blessed by the passing years and miles, our unknowns have become known, our understanding breathed in silence.
Though we be gray as the clouds above, our hearts still beat in synchrony each pulsing moment more sacred than the last.
Lyrics: A soft voice, a kind word A tender touch in a hard world Your voice like rain after the seeds are sown Your kindness and grace is all I’ve ever known
We’re not the same, you and me You’re an evergreen and I’m a maple tree Sometimes I’m bare, sometimes I’m sweet You can carry on consistently And in a million little ways, you show How to take two souls and make one home
You love the dirt, I find life in words I sit and think, you relish your work You could teach, teach a master class Without a word you show us how to make a feast from scratch And in a million little ways, you show How to take two souls and make one home And in a million little ways, you show How to take two souls and make one home
A sanctuary for our children A sanctuary for our fears and hopes Here in the wilderness, our world longs for this To be known and loved To be known and loved
Lyrics: In the quiet misty morning When the moon has gone to bed, When the sparrows stop their singing And the sky is clear and red, When the summer’s ceased its gleaming When the corn is past its prime, When adventure’s lost its meaning – I’ll be homeward bound in time
Bind me not to the pasture Chain me not to the plow Set me free to find my calling And I’ll return to you somehow
If you find it’s me you’re missing If you’re hoping I’ll return, To your thoughts I’ll soon be listening, And in the road I’ll stop and turn Then the wind will set me racing As my journey nears its end And the path I’ll be retracing When I’m homeward bound again
Bind me not to the pasture Chain me not to the plow Set me free to find my calling And I’ll return to you somehow
In the quiet misty morning When the moon has gone to bed, When the sparrows stop their singing I’ll be homeward bound again. ~Marta Keen “Homeward Bound”
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What can l say, now that summer’s gone, with the weight of its heat, its thick blanket of humidity, the cacophony of zinnias, marigolds, salvia? Now the sky is clear blue and cloudless, that sure one-note that can only mean October. You’re gone. The leaves turn gold in the calendar’s rotisserie, giving up their green, and the burning bushes have ignited, struck their book of matches. It’s enough to make the heart break, isn’t it? We keep going down the one road, there’s no turning back. ~Barbara Crooker “Now” from Small Rain
…the golden hour of the clock of the year. Flowers that were once bright as a box of crayons are now seed heads and thistle down. All the feathery grasses shine in the slanted light. …time to draw the drapes against the wind, time to hunker down. Summer’s fruits are preserved in syrup, but nothing can stopper time. No way to seal it in wax or amber; it slides though our hands like a rope of silk. ~Barbara Crooker from “And Now it’s October” from Small Rain.
It’s half-past October, the woods are on fire, blue skies stretch all the way to heaven. Of course, we know that winter is coming, its thin winding sheets and its hard narrow bed. But right now, the season’s fermented to fullness… ~Barbara Crooker from “Reel” in The Book of Kells
Another October. The maples have done their slick trick of turning yellow almost overnight; summer’s hazy skies are cobalt blue.I want to praise things that cannot last. The scarlet and orange leaves are already gone, blown down by a cold rain, crushed and trampled. They rise again in leaf meal and wood smoke. I want to praise everything brief and finite. night falls swiftly, tucking us in her black velvet robe, the stitches showing through, all those little lights, our little lives, rising and falling. ~Barbara Crooker from “Equinox”
This slow fading away of October renders us transient ourselves-
only visitors here, no laying down claims, simply passing through enjoying the scenery, knowing this too won’t last…
Yet it is sweet ~let me say it again~ oh so sweet while we’re here.
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It’s easy to love a deer But try to care about bugs and scrawny trees Love the puddle of lukewarm water From last week’s rain. Leave the mountains alone for now. Also the clear lakes surrounded by pines. People are lined up to admire them. Get close to the things that slide away in the dark. Be grateful even for the boredom That sometimes seems to involve the whole world. Think of the frost That will crack our bones eventually. ~Tom Hennen “Love for Other Things”
My only purpose this moment is looking at a lizard. Does he know he’s not alone?
He breathes with tiny push-ups, his skin all hairline caverns soaking up the sun.
I doubt, alive, I’m liable to get closer to timelessness than this, looking at a little lizard breathing. ~Barry Spacks “Looking at a Lizard”fromShaping Water
Oh, it is easy to love the beautiful things of God’s creation~ we drive long hours to stand in awe, gaping at mountains and valleys and waterfalls and kaleidoscopes of color
so if God decides He wants a slug or lizard or bug and allows drought and mud and frost and ice storms and hurricanes then I guess, if He so chooses, He could look at each of us and say I need one of you too.
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Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end.
During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon’s son, to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him.
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?”
Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.”
Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.”
Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!”
Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you.”
For he knew who was to betray him; that was why he said, “Not all of you are clean.” John 13: 1-11
sculpture by Mark Greine
What e’er the soul has felt or suffered long, Oh, heart! this one thing should not be forgot: Christ washed the feet of Judas. ~George Marion McClellan from “The Feet of Judas” in The Book of American Negro Poetry 1922
artist Otto Stemler
Being thorough, I remove a holey sock to view a diabetic man’s filthy feet. I use the time to complete our talk of what drove him to live on the street as I wonder how any of this can help.
While he tells me more of his medical past, I run warm water into a stainless bowl. I immerse both his feet and begin to ask myself what good it does for this poor soul to allow himself to undergo this ablution.
Silently I sluice the water between his toes and soap the crusty callous at his heel. I marvel at his arch and notice how closely it fits my palm. I know he can feel this proximity too. He shuts his eyes.
Months of useless layers peel away, revealing layers useless weeks ago. Removing the tough brown hide of yesterday yields clean pink skin, but we both know this ritual will be useless days from now.
Still, this moment may withstand time’s test, teaching us each lessons unknown before. I learn the medicine of selflessness. He learns what medicine is really for– the hope that basin, soap and touch can bear. ~Robert Fawcett “Washing Feet”
Jesus washing the feet of his disciples by Finnish artist Albert Gustaf Edelfelt
I’ve washed feet as part of my job, learning the medicine of selflessness:
…as an aide in a rest home caring for the crippled feet of the elderly, as a medical student in an inner city hospital seeing the homeless whose socks had to be peeled off carefully to avoid pulling off gangrenous toes, as a doctor working with the down and out detox patients from the streets who had no access to soap and water for weeks.
People always protest, knowing the futility of washing when feet will only become grimy again. Like Peter, we never believe our feet, those homely gnarled bunioned claw-toed calloused parts of us, deserve that attention, and certainly not love.
We are ashamed to have someone care about them, care for them, when we don’t care enough on our own.
I have never washed the feet of someone about to betray me, leading me to my death.
I have never had my feet washed by someone who understood my heart needed cleansing even more than my feet, who loved me that much.
So, I must not forget:
He kneels before us, the humility and towels of a servant as His only raiments.
He gently cups our heels in His palms, washes and dries our soles and arches and toes,
but what is truly cleansed is our beating heart, held with such care in His loving hands.
I am reading slowly through the words in the Book of John over the next year alongside my church family. Once a week, I will invite you to “come and see” what those words might mean as we explore His promises together.
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