A Time to Thrive on Hope

The hen flings a single pebble aside
with her yellow, reptilian foot.
Never in eternity the same sound —
a small stone falling on a red leaf.

The juncture of twig and branch,
scarred with lichen, is a gate
we might enter, singing.

The mouse pulls batting
from a hundred-year-old quilt.
She chewed a hole in a blue star
to get it, and now she thrives….
Now is her time to thrive.

Things: simply lasting, then
failing to last: water, a blue heron’s
eye, and the light passing
between them: into light all things
must fall, glad at last to have fallen.

~Jane Kenyon “Things”

photo by Josh Scholten

All winter
the blue heron
slept among the horses.
I do not know
the custom of herons,
do not know
if the solitary habit
is their way,
or if he listened for
some missing one—
not knowing even
that was what he did—
in the blowing
sounds in the dark,
I know that
hope is the hardest
love we carry.
He slept
with his long neck
folded, like a letter
put away.
~Jane Hirshfield “Hope and Love” from The Lives of the Heart

I know what it is like to feel out of step with those around me, an alien in my own land. At times I wonder if I belong at all – I grew up this way, missing a connection that I could not easily find, never quite fitting in, a solitary kid becoming a solitary adult. The aloneness bothered me, but not in a “I’ve-got-to-become-like-them” kind of way.

Somehow misfits find each other.

Through the grace and acceptance of others, I found a soul mate and community. Even so, there are times when the old feeling of not-quite-belonging creeps in and I wonder whether I’ll be a misfit all the way to the cemetery, placed in the wrong plot in the wrong graveyard.

We disparate creatures are made for connection of some kind, often with those who are something completely different.

I’ll keep on the lookout for my fellow misfits, just in case there is another one out there looking for company along this journey and doesn’t mind me tagging along.

We will follow, falling, failing to last
until lifted luminous at last.
We become light
ourselves.

Walk down that lonesome road
All by yourself
Don’t turn your head
Back over your shoulder
And only stop
To rest yourself
When the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees

If I had stopped to listen
Once or twice
If I had closed my mouth
And opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head
And warmed my heart
I’d not be on this road tonight
Carry on

Never mind feeling sorry for yourself
It doesn’t save you from your troubled mind
Walk down that lonesome road
All by yourself
Don’t turn your head
Back over your shoulder
And only stop
To rest yourself
When the silver moon
Is shining high above the trees
~James Taylor and Don Grolnick

Lyrics:
We were walking on the coastline
And I wondered if this could be the last time
Then I took your fragile hand into mine
And we talked of all the good times

Blue heron flying overhead
Keeping watch over you
Blue heron standing on the shore
While we wandered all along the southern coastline

A Clemency From Heaven

November pierces with its bleak remembrance
Of all the bitterness and waste of war.
Our silence tries but fails to make a semblance
Of that lost peace they thought worth fighting for.
Our silence seethes instead with wraiths and whispers,
And all the restless rumour of new wars,
The shells are falling all around our vespers,
No moment is unscarred, there is no pause,
In every instant bloodied innocence
Falls to the weary earth, and whilst we stand
Quiescence ends again in acquiescence,
And Abel’s blood still cries in every land
One silence only might redeem that blood
Only the silence of a dying God.
~Malcolm Guite “Silence: a Sonnet for Remembrance Day”

So, when old hopes that earth was bettering slowly
Were dead and damned, there sounded ‘War is done!’
One morrow. Said the bereft, and meek, and lowly,
‘Will men some day be given to grace? yea, wholly,
And in good sooth, as our dreams used to run?‘

Aye; all was hushed. The about-to-fire fired not,
The aimed-at moved away in trance-lipped song.

Calm fell. From Heaven distilled a clemency;
There was peace on earth, and silence in the sky;

Some could, some could not, shake off misery…

~Thomas Hardy from “And There Was a Great Calm”

(On the Signing of the Armistice, 11 Nov. 1918)

When you go home tell them of us and say –
“For your tomorrow we gave our today”
~John Maxwell Edmonds from “The Kohima Epitaph”

I’m unsure why the United States does not call November 11 Remembrance Day as the Commonwealth nations did at the WWI Armistice. This is a day that demands so much more than the more passive name Veterans’ Day represents.

This day calls all citizens who appreciate their freedoms to stop what they are doing and disrupt the routine rhythm of their lives. We are to remember in humble thankfulness the generations of military veterans who sacrificed time, resources, sometimes health and well being, and too often their lives in answering the call to defend their countries.

Remembrance means
~understanding what it costs to defend freedom.
~acknowledging the millions who have given of themselves and continue to do so on our behalf.
~caring for the oppressed who are unable to defend themselves.
~commiting to provide resources needed for the military to remain strong and supported.
~praying unceasingly for safe return home to family.
~holding these men and women close in our hearts, always teaching the next generation about the sacrifices they made.

Most of all, and certainly most challenging:
it means being willing ourselves to become the sacrifice when called.

Preparing for Remembrance Day

My father’s WWII Marine Corps cargo trunk was stored in the attic of my childhood home. This contained everything that followed him from Officer Training in Quantico, Virginia, to beach and mountain battles on Tarawa, Tinian and Saipan in the South Pacific, and three years later back home again.  It had his name and rank stenciled on the side in dark black lettering.  The buckles were stiff but could be opened with effort, and in the dark attic, there was always the thrill of unlatching the lid, and shining the flashlight across the contents.  His Marine Corps dress uniform lay inside underneath his stiff brimmed cap.  There were books about protocol, and a photo album which contained pictures of “his men” that he led in his battalion, and the collection of photos and letters my mother as she worked as a high school teacher back home.

Most puzzling to me as a kid was a folded Japanese flag inside a small drawstring bag, made of thin white silk with the bold red sun in the middle.  Surrounding the red sun were the delicate inked characters of many Japanese hands as if painted by artists, each wishing a soldier well in his fight for the empire.  Yet there it was, a symbol of that soldier’s demise, itself buried in an American attic, being gently and curiously held by an American daughter of a Marine Corps soldier. 

It would occur to me in the 1960s that some of the people who wrote on this flag might still be living, and certainly members of the soldier’s family would still be living.  I asked my father once about how he obtained the flag, and he, protecting both me and himself, waved me away, saying he couldn’t remember. 

I know better now.  He certainly knew, but could not possibly tell me the truth.

These flags, charms of good luck for the departing Japanese soldier as he left his neighborhood or village for war, are called Hinomaru Yosegaki (日の丸寄せ書き). Tens of thousands of these flags came home with American soldiers; it is clear they were not the talisman hoped for.  Thanks to the efforts of descendants of American and Japanese soldiers, some of these flags have found their way back to their home country, to the original villages. 

So has this flag.

Eighty-five years passed doesn’t seem that long, a mere drop in the river of time.  There are more than mere physical mementos that have flowed from the broken dam of WWII, flooding subsequent generations of Americans, Japanese, Europeans with memories that are now lost as the surviving soldiers have died, taking their stories of pain and loss and heroism with them.

In the U.S., children held with their families in Japanese internment camps during those years are now in their eighties and nineties. They continue to bear witness to the scars of what war does to erode trust and humanity between peoples.

My father could never talk with a person of Asian descent, Japanese or not, without being visibly uneasy. As a child, I saw and felt this from him, but heard little from his mouth.

When he was twenty two years old, pressed flat against the rocks of Tarawa, trying to melt into the ground to become invisible to the bullets whizzing overhead and explosions around him, he could not have conceived that decades later, his twenty-two year old grandson would disembark from a jumbo jet at Narita in Tokyo, making his way to an international Christian school to teach Japanese children. 

My father would have been shocked that his grandson would settle happily into a culture so foreign, so seemingly threatening, so apparently abhorrent. Yet this irony is the direct result of the horrors of that too-long bloody war of devastation: Americans and Japanese, despite so many differences, were to become the strongest of allies, happily exchanging the grandchildren of those bitterly warring soldiers back and forth across the Pacific. 

It too was my privilege to care for Japanese exchange students daily in my University health clinic, peering intently into their open faces and never once seeing the enemy that my father so feared. And they trusted I would take care of them as one of my own.

My soldier-father’s grandson taught as a missionary for 13 years in Tokyo, endowed with deep admiration and appreciation for each of his students, some of whom were great-grandchildren of WWII Japanese soldiers. 

He married a Japanese descendent of those my father fought. Their two children are the perfect amalgam of once warring, yet now peaceful, cultures; a symbol of blended and blending peoples overcoming the hatred and destruction of past generations, in the name of creating a new world, a new order.

Now having settled their family in the States, they are adapting to a different language, culture and flag. It is our great privilege as grandparents to live so close by, we are able to hug them every day.

I pray our son and his wife, and their children, redeem the horrors experienced by the soldier-warriors of the past century.

Perhaps all the loss and suffering was not in vain.

(U.S. Air Force photo by Staff Sgt. Peter Reft)
recent photo of us on the farm by John Shaw

The Dance of Human History

I believed only air
stretched between the dogwood

and the barberry: another
thoughtless human assumption

sidetracking the best story
this furrow spider knew to spin.

And, trying to get the sticky
filament off my face, I must look,

to the neighbors, like someone
being attacked by his own nervous

system, a man conducting an orchestra
of bees. Or maybe it’s only the dance

of human history I’m reenacting:
caught in his own careless wreckage,

a man trying to extricate himself,
afraid to open his eyes.
~Jeff Worley from Lucky Talk

For a change, it is a relief the citizens of this country are waking up to clear election results. A majority of voters have mandated a new direction, in an attempt to turn this massive ship of a nation around.

Too often in recent history, the election results are uncertain the next day. We remain suspended in a sticky web of our own making for some time, dangling as the votes are recounted, rehashed, distrusted, and litigated…

Twenty-six years ago, I woke up not feeling very well after a long night of waiting for election results to come in. I thought it was from the tension of not knowing when the outcome would be finalized but no… It ended up being appendicitis — it was my 2000 post-election surgical solution to take my mind off the contest of Bush vs Gore.

It worked. I simply ceased to care about anything but my own healing. What was happening in the headlines became background noise.

This morning, I don’t need any such distraction. I will endeavor to keep myself out of the ER and the OR and just go about my day, watching our democracy in action.

For well over a decade, we the people have been caught in a sticky-wickety web, spread all over our faces. We’ve struggled to keep our eyes open to the reality of our own messy entrapment,

So today I am taking a few deep breaths and I hope you will too. And tomorrow and the next day.

And avoid radical surgery if we can.

Maybe this dance is something we can manage to do together — coordinated, cooperative, choreographed, and united —
rather than flailing about in a careless wreckage of human history.

Sometimes God Only Knows…

Sometimes when day after day we have cloudless blue skies,
warm temperatures, colorful trees and brilliant sun, when
it seems like all this will go on forever,

when I harvest vegetables from the garden all day,
then drink tea and doze in the late afternoon sun,
and in the evening one night make pickled beets
and green tomato chutney, the next red tomato chutney,
and the day after that pick the fruits of my arbor
and make grape jam,

when we walk in the woods every evening over fallen leaves,
through yellow light, when nights are cool, and days warm,

when I am so happy I am afraid I might explode or disappear
or somehow be taken away from all this,

at those times when I feel so happy, so good, so alive, so in love
with the world, with my own sensuous, beautiful life, suddenly

I think about all the suffering and pain in the world, the agony
and dying. I think about all those people being tortured, right now,
in my name. But I still feel happy and good, alive and in love with
the world and with my lucky, guilty, sensuous, beautiful life because,

I know in the next minute or tomorrow all this may be
taken from me, and therefore I’ve got to say, right now,
what I feel and know and see, I’ve got to say, right now,
how beautiful and sweet this world can be.

~David Budbill “Sometimes”

This is a beautiful, wonderful, terrific day to vote.

Normally election days are filled with stressful anticipation about what storms and floods will arrive next due to the ever-changing political climate.

Yet today, as I fill out my ballot, along with millions of others in my country, no matter how erratic our leadership, how corrupt its political machinations, we together have the ability to change course through the sacred privilege and responsibility of voting.

Over two centuries of great sacrifice has bought us this right and freedom. I am proud to exercise it, no matter the result. Too many people in the world do not know this privilege, so I do not take it lightly.

Sometime, and God only knows when, we’ll find ourselves united more than divided, working together to harvest the best we can grow.

Then what a wonderful world this will be…

Come and See: And It Was Night…

After saying these things, Jesus was troubled in his spirit, and testified, “Truly, truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.”

The disciples looked at one another, uncertain of whom he spoke. One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was reclining at table at Jesus’ side. so Simon Peter motioned to him to ask Jesus of whom he was speaking. So that disciple, leaning back against Jesus, said to him, “Lord, who is it?”

Jesus answered, “It is he to whom I will give this morsel of bread when I have dipped it.”So when he had dipped the morsel, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered into him. Jesus said to him, “What you are going to do, do quickly.”

Now no one at the table knew why he said this to him. Some thought that, because Judas had the moneybag, Jesus was telling him, “Buy what we need for the feast,”or that he should give something to the poor. So, after receiving the morsel of bread, he immediately went out.

And it was night.
John 13: 21-30

And he (Judas) that went out — was himself the night…

~St. Augustine, Tractate 62 on the Book of John

There is in God, some say,

A deep but dazzling darkness, as men here

Say it is late and dusky, because they

           See not all clear.

  O for that night! where I in Him

  Might live invisible and dim!

~Henry Vaughn from “The Night”

Ask what the moon witnesses in the night.
Ask what we, as fallen creatures, do in the dark.
Darkness was not banished by God in the beginning, so we would search, blinded, for Him.

We are promised this in the Word: “and night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light… Revelation 22:5.

The Word in the beginning set a dark universe in motion.
The Word is both flesh and Savior to a world dwelling in darkness.
The Word as Spirit thrives eternally to enlighten our hearts, our minds and hands.

Darkness is not banished. But it is overcome.
And so, we have a lit pathway leading us home.

I am reading slowly through the words in the Book of John over the next year alongside my church family. Once a week, I will invite you to “come and see” what those words might mean as we explore His promises together.

And What if?

What if you slept
And what if
In your sleep
You dreamed
And what if
In your dream
You went to heaven
And there plucked a strange and beautiful flower
And what if
When you awoke
You had that flower in your hand
Ah, what then?
~Samuel Taylor Coleridge “What if you slept…”

What might our dreams tell us of heaven?

The last few nights I dreamed of those with whom I once had a warm friendship but no longer do.

My dreams were of grace and reconciliation, of walking and talking together and rediscovering our common goals and beliefs rather than dwelling on estrangement and sadness as we’ve gone our separate ways.

Upon waking, I wondered what vision of heaven this suggests: finding the lost treasure of connection that I allowed to let go.

Restoring a friendship is like waking, holding a strange and beautiful flower plucked in a dream. I cradle it gently in my hand as the precious gem it is.

What then is still possible? And what might I do with this flower now?

Who I Have Offended

He is a hard one to write a poem about. Like Napoleon.
Hannibal. Genghis Khan. Already so large in history. To do it
right, I have to sit down with him. At a place of his own
choosing. Probably a steakhouse. We take a table in a corner.
But people still recognize him, come up and slap him on the
back, say how much they enjoyed studying about him in school and ask for his autograph. After he eats, he leans back and lights up a cigar and asks me what I want to know.

Notebook in hand, I suggest that we start with the Little Big Horn and work our way back. But I realize I have offended him. That he would rather take it the other way around. So he rants on about the Civil War, the way west, the loyalty of good soldiers and now and then twists his long yellow hair with his fingers.
But when he gets to the part about Sitting Bull, about Crazy
Horse, he develops a twitch above his right eye, raises his
finger for the waiter, excuses himself and goes to the restroom
while I sit there along the bluffs with the entire Sioux nation,
awaiting his return.
~David Shumate “Custer” from High Water Mark

Bighorn Battlefield – National Park Service photo

When my family took two cross-country trips by car, once in 1963 and another in 1965, my father, a former officer and battalion leader in the Marines during WWII, was the primary driver and keeper of maps and deadlines. He could be convinced to stop at any number of state and national parks, points of interest and historical markers, but all four times we passed the sign indicating the Battle of the Little Bighorn, he would not stop despite our pleading.

“You’ve seen as much as there is up there,” he would say as we sped past, pointing at the marble monolith at the top of the hill where the battle took place. I would look around at the desolate countryside of brown grass with no trees, in the middle of nowhere, and wonder how this place could ever have warranted a battle to the death.

I was frustrated at my dad’s refusal to stop to learn more, but it was only a monument and stone gave markers. No interpretive center yet.

I had certainly learned about General George Custer’s Last Stand in my elementary school history lessons. But my interest was primarily driven by a 1958 Disney movie “Tonka Wakan” that I had seen in the theater and then later on Sunday nights on “Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color.” I thought I understood the tragedy of that day from the standpoint of the U.S. Calvary and the only surviving horse Comanche, who in the Disney-imagined version of the battle, was raised and trained by a young Indian boy who turned the horse over to the calvary and then later was part of the Little Bighorn Battle in defense of Indian territory.

So I had a very skewed and Disney-fied version of history and my father was not helping me understand more deeply. It wasn’t until much later that I realized the likely reason he was so reluctant to stop and examine the history of the Battle of the Little Bighorn.

My father was ashamed of it. He was a humble man who knew there could be no pride or sense of honor in that place.

He had likely been trained in his Marine Officer’s Training in 1942 to understand that the poor decision-making of a cocky, overly self-assured General led to the slaughter of five companies of the 7th Calvary Regiment as well as their Indian scouts in addition to dozens of Lakota and Dakota Sioux, Cheyenne and Arapahoe warriors.

My father had lived through three South Pacific island battles where poor decision-making was a death sentence. He didn’t feel the need to rehash a sorry history in this desolate part of Montana.

As an adult, I’ve visited the Battlefield with my husband and children several times, have learned more about what led to the battle, what took place that day and how the indigenous people of the region have memorialized the spot from their own perspective. When we approach this spot on our cross-country drives, I’m filled with regret and remorse at the loss of life and the eventual loss of a Native American culture that could never again be as it was, despite the defeat they handed to the cavalry that day. I learned more when our son lived and taught high school math on the Pine Ridge Reservation of the Lakota Sioux people and we visited the site of Wounded Knee, another tear-drenched place in U.S. Cavalry and Native American history.

We the people, most of us descendants of immigrant Americans, comprise the U.S. government and military — which has proven recently it doesn’t always make the best or wisest decisions.

War, suffering, loss and death cannot and should not be Disney-fied. History is more complex than a paragraph in a textbook, or a tweet or AI meme on social media from the White House.

We have so much to learn about our shame and our need for greater humility. We need to understand who we have offended, not just how offended we feel. We can’t hide from reality in the bathroom or drive on past the sites of these bloody conflicts, hoping it will all be forgotten.

We must never forget.

That is Just the Point…

And that is just the point…
how the world, moist and beautiful,
calls to each of us to make a new and serious response.

That’s the big question,
the one the world throws at you every morning.
“Here you are, alive.
Would you like to make a comment?”
~Mary Oliver
“The Morning Poem”

It is impossible to stay a silent observer of the world when you awake still alive.

An autumn morning demands a response.

I would like to make a comment.

It isn’t only nature
pulling what was once lush and young into the ground:
we witness flying leaves and dropping temperatures
giving way to brisk winds and chill rains.

Humankind, like the change in seasons, is skilled at dying:
we face violence across borders, nurture hatred
which blusters, rips, drenches, encompasses, buries.

Nothing can remain as it was.

Yet I awake, lit and alive,
struck and wrung by vanishing darkness,
a witness to the sun rising up
to catch the moon.

Called to comment.
Dying to respond.

The Lingering Sky

At times these days I think of the way the sun would set on the farmland around our small house in the autumn.

A view of the horizon,
the entire circle of it, if you turned,
the sun setting behind you,
the sky in front becoming pink and soft,
then slightly blue again,
as though it could not stop going on in its beauty,
then the land closest to the setting sun would get dark,
almost black against the orange line of the horizon,
but if you turn around,
the land is still available to the eye with such softness,
the few trees, the quiet fields of cover crops already turned,
and the sky lingering, lingering, then finally dark.

As though the soul can be quiet for those moments.
All life amazes me.
~Elizabeth Strout, from My Name is Lucy Barton

I have learned,
from those much wiser than I am,
to recognize moments meant for quieting.

The news of the world constantly rushes past;
there is suffering beyond imagining
in the lives of a few I know well
and for millions I don’t know at all.

What little can I do to make a difference?
So much need lies beyond my short reach.

Instead of feeling abandoned on the shores of overwhelm,
I seek out the familiar, the routine, and the ordinary,
lingering immersed in the recurring patterns of the day and night
as the world keeps on spinning on its axis.

I too turn around to witness that which surrounds me,
and in so doing, my soul is quieted.
And amazed.

One year ago, my teacher and mentor Jane Goodall passed into eternity, leaving behind this message for us all…