Your dead shall live; their bodies shall rise. You who dwell in the dust, awake and sing for joy! For your dew is a dew of light… Isaiah 26:19
Now in the blessed days of more and less when the news about time is that each day there is less of it I know none of that as I walk out through the early garden only the day and I are here with no before or after and the dew looks up without a number or a present age ~W. S. Merwin “Dew Light” from The Moon Before Morning
Dear March—Come in— How glad I am— I hoped for you before— Put down your Hat— You must have walked— How out of Breath you are— ~Emily Dickinson
It seems I measure time by calendar page turns.
A “before” is turned under, covered up by what comes “after.” Day follows day, week follows week, month follows month, for now…
What I am aware of is how diminishing time is, how I live more and more in the “after.”
Each new month seems to arrive “out of breath.”
So I look to the sky to watch the sun come and go, as the moon rises and sets, knowing it will always be so.
The morning dew light blesses me now, no before or after. It is sent by the Lord; I feel breathless as witness.
How can this not always be the way of things?
This year’s Barnstorming Lenten theme is Ephesians 3:9:
…to bring to light for everyone what is the plan of the mystery hidden for ages in God, who created all things…
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Yes, I know my mind is a fickle little bee doting on a thousand thoughts, but I’m getting better at chasing my mind back to the moment
so I can see the spiderwebs making hammocks the color of the moon. My son tries to photograph a rainbow outside the car window. It’s impossible,
of course, this wonder, the trying to hold it. But I do what I can. I’ve stopped waiting to enjoy the cinnamon tea. I take deeper breaths and listen
to the flutter of strings floating down from café speakers. I don’t want to be a pilgrim of memory anymore. I want to pop the champagne and salute
this now, and this one with soft brie, dried apricots, and the sunset celebration another anniversary of light while I eat fists of grapes the same shade
and sweetness of night. Congratulations, Time. Look at you and your gorgeous minutes full of everything. Three cheers for the temp agency that hired this
particular day, these particular clouds, this set of honking geese migrating through it. I want to be better at being alive, so I’ve been picturing my heart
as a fox—which means wild and nocturnal, not terrorizing the neighbor’s chickens. My love says most equations in quantum field theory give infinity
as an answer, which is not meaningful because all infinities are the same. In that case, let’s stop reaching so hard for it. I’ll take this infinity’s morning where
my son and I confused falling leaves for monarchs. Every time we thought we saw a butterfly, it was just a leaf with the gentlest falling. We laughed at
every mistake, and he said, That was a beautiful confusion. Sometimes when the moment doesn’t offer a praying mantis on the porch or a charismatic sky,
I imagine my heart is my son’s face, and I am back in love with the day, its astonishments like hot-air balloons, and the daily present of power lines strung
with starlings like dozens of music notes. Let me be more bound to my living in each moment, be held by this hum, that cloud, this breath, that shroud. ~Traci Brimhall “This Beautiful Confusion” from Love Prodigal
Some Monday mornings, my mind is going in a thousand different directions. So I follow, knowing there will never be another Monday morning quite like this one. I hope there will be a few hundred more Monday mornings to come.
I want to be better at being alive, noticing, remembering, connecting, and grateful to be breathing.
Perhaps you are here because — you do too…
our sons – 1990
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And so you have a life that you are living only now, now and now and now, gone before you can speak of it, and you must be thankful for living day by day, moment by moment … a life in the breath and pulse and living light of the present… ~Wendell Berry from Hannah Coulter
Astonishing material and revelation appear in our lives all the time. Let it be. Unto us, so much is given. We just have to be open for business. ~Anne Lamott from Help Thanks Wow: Three Essential Prayers
…writing was one way to let something of lasting value emerge from the pains and fears of my little, quickly passing life. Each time life required me to take a new step into unknown spiritual territory, I felt a deep, inner urge to tell my story to others– Perhaps as a need for companionship but maybe, too, out of an awareness that my deepest vocation is to be a witness to the glimpses of God I have been allowed to catch. ~Henri Nouwen from Reaching Out
…there is something illicit, it seems, about wasted time, the empty hours of contemplation when a thought unfurls, figures of speech budding and blossoming, articulation drifting like spent petals onto the dark table we all once gathered around to talk and talk, letting time get the better of us. _Just taking our time_, as we say. That is, letting time take us. ~Patricia Hampl from Blue Arabesque: A Search for the Sublime
I would recognize myself in my patients, one after another after another. They sat at the edge of their seat, struggling to hold back a flood from brimming eyes, fingers gripping the arms of the chair, legs jiggling. Each moment, each breath, each rapid heart beat overwhelmed by panic-filled questions: will there be another breath? must there be another breath? Must this life go on like this in fear of what the next moment will bring?
The only thing more frightening than the unknown is the fear that the next moment could be worse than the last. Sadly, this is a tragic waste of precious time, a lack of recognition of a moment just passed that will never be retrieved and relived.
There is only fear of the next and the next so that the now and now and now is lost forever.
Worry and angst is more contagious than the flu. I washed my hands of it throughout the clinic day. I wished a simple vaccination could protect us all from unnamed fears.
I wanted to say to them as well as myself: Stop to rest within this moment in time. Stop and stop and stop. Stop fearing the gift of each breath.
Simply be.
I wanted to say: this moment in time is yours alone. Don’t let time take it from you; instead, take time for weeping and sharing and breath and pulse and light. Shout for joy in it. Celebrate it. Be thankful for tears that flow and stop holding them back.
Just be, as uncomfortable as it is – and be blessed– in the now and now and now.
Be swept along on the current of time; now winter bare-branched, to be soon unfurling, budding, eventually blossoming.
Time takes us there. So let’s take time.
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Then we shall be where we would be, Then we shall be what we should be, Things that are not now, nor could be, Soon shall be our own. ~Thomas Kelly from his hymn “Praise the Savior, Ye Who Know Him”
Because I was not marked. Because I had neither fame nor beauty nor inquisitiveness. Because I did not ask. Because I used my hands. Because I finished my term on earth and had no knowledge of either fear nor care, no morning knowledge, no knowledge of evening, and those who came before and those following after had no more knowledge of me than I had of them. ~Mary Ruefle from “Marked”
Whether we are coming or going, beginning or ending, leading or following, rising or setting, north or south, east or west ~ one day we shall be where or what we should be, without fear nor care nor knowledge.
We’ll journey the continuum of grace and comfort, part of our Creator’s purpose and design.
So even if not now in our comings and goings, we will never be lost nor adrift.
We are forever found.
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No one ever regarded the first of January with indifference. It is that from which all date their time, and count upon what is left. It is the nativity of our common Adam. ~Charles Lamb, 1897
Every morn is the world made new. You who are weary of sorrow and sinning, Here is a beautiful hope for you,— A hope for me and a hope for you.
All the past things are past and over; The tasks are done and the tears are shed. Yesterday’s errors let yesterday cover; Yesterday’s wounds, which smarted and bled, Are healed with the healing which night has shed.
Yesterday now is a part of forever, Bound up in a sheaf, which God holds tight, With glad days, and sad days, and bad days, which never Shall visit us more with their bloom and their blight, Their fulness of sunshine or sorrowful night.
Let them go, since we cannot re-live them, Cannot undo and cannot atone; God in his mercy receive, forgive them! Only the new days are our own; To-day is ours, and to-day alone.
Here are the skies all burnished brightly, Here is the spent earth all re-born, Here are the tired limbs springing lightly To face the sun and to share with the morn In the chrism of dew and the cool of dawn.
Every day is a fresh beginning; Listen, my soul, to the glad refrain, And, spite of old sorrow and older sinning, And puzzles forecasted and possible pain, Take heart with the day, and begin again. ~Susan Coolidge “New Every Morning”
Each morn is New Year’s morn come true, Morn of a festival to keep. All nights are sacred nights to make Confession and resolve and prayer; All days are sacred days to wake New gladness in the sunny air. Only a night from old to new; Only a sleep from night to morn. The new is but the old come true; Each sunrise sees a new year born. ~Helen Hunt Jackson from “New Year’s Morning”
The year’s at the spring, And day’s at the morn; Morning’s at seven; The hill-side’s dew-pearled; The lark’s on the wing; The snail’s on the thorn; God’s in his Heaven— All’s right with the world! ~Robert Browning “The Year’s at the Spring”
We each celebrate a birthday on New Year’s Day, a bright beginning after so much darkness, a still life nativity born in a winter garden – He who was and is and is to come: He who gives us another chance to make it right.
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…the golden hour of the clock of the year. Everything that can run to fruit has already done so: round apples, oval plums, bottom-heavy pears, black walnuts and hickory nuts annealed in their shells, the woodchuck with his overcoat of fat. Flowers that were once bright as a box of crayons are now seed heads and thistle down. All the feathery grasses shine in the slanted light. It’s time to bring in the lawn chairs and wind chimes, time to draw the drapes against the wind, time to hunker down. Summer’s fruits are preserved in syrup, but nothing can stopper time. No way to seal it in wax or amber; it slides though our hands like a rope of silk. At night, the moon’s restless searchlight sweeps across the sky. ~Barbara Crooker “And Now it’s October” from Small Rain.
I do try to stopper time.
I try every day on this page, not to suspend time or render it frozen, but like flowers and fruit that wither, I want to preserve these moments – a few harvested words and pictures to sample some chilly day.
I offer it up to you now, a bit of fragrance, to sip of its sweetness as it glows, luminous in the bottle.
Let’s share. Leave it unstoppered. The passage of time is meant to be preserved this way.
Perhaps as a child you had the chicken pox and your mother, to soothe you in your fever or to help you fall asleep, came into your room and read to you from some favorite book, Charlotte’s Web or Little House on the Prairie, a long story that she quietly took you through until your eyes became magnets for your shuttering lids and she saw your breathing go slow. And then she read on, this time silently and to herself, not because she didn’t know the story, it seemed to her that there had never been a time when she didn’t know this story—the young girl and her benevolence, the young girl in her sod house— but because she did not yet want to leave your side though she knew there was nothing more she could do for you. And you, not asleep but simply weak, listened to her turn the pages, still feeling the lamp warm against one cheek, knowing the shape of the rocking chair’s shadow as it slid across your chest. So that now, these many years later, when you are clenched in the damp fist of a hospital bed, or signing the papers that say you won’t love him anymore, when you are bent at your son’s gravesite or haunted by a war that makes you wake with the gun cocked in your hand, you would like to believe that such generosity comes from God, too, who now, when you have the strength to ask, might begin the story again, just as your mother would, from the place where you have both left off. ~Keetje Kuipers “Prayer” from Rattle #28, Winter 2007
These autumn days will shorten and grow cold. The leaves will shake loose from the trees and fall. Christmas will come, then the snows of winter. You will live to enjoy the beauty of the frozen world, for you mean a great deal to Zuckerman and he will not harm you, ever. Winter will pass, the days will lengthen, the ice will melt in the pasture pond. The song sparrow will return and sing, the frogs will awake, the warm wind will blow again. All these sights and sounds and smells will be yours to enjoy,Wilbur — this lovely world, these precious days … ~E.B. White (Charlotte talking to Wilbur) from Charlotte’s Web
Each passing moment is precious, as time flows relentlessly.
We, on a linear trajectory from birth to death, bear witness to the cycling of the seasons while earth spins and orbits through space.
The story of me, and the story of you, is not yet finished. While our heads nod, our eyelids become heavy, the Author is turning the pages, reading resonant Words that define our days.
We pick up where we left off, wanting to hear the next unknowable chapter. We try to stay awake, eager to see what comes next.
We aren’t quite ready to fall asleep, not yet. Not yet…
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And with sighs soaring, soaring síghs deliver Them; beauty-in-the-ghost, deliver it, early now, long before death Give beauty back, beauty, beauty, beauty, back to God, beauty’s self and beauty’s giver. See; not a hair is, not an eyelash, not the least lash lost; every hair Is, hair of the head, numbered. ~Gerard Manley Hopkins from “The Golden Echo”
…writing was one way to let something of lasting value emerge from the pains and fears of my little, quickly passing life. Each time life required me to take a new step into unknown spiritual territory, I felt a deep, inner urge to tell my story to others– Perhaps as a need for companionship but maybe, too, out of an awareness that my deepest vocation is to be a witness to the glimpses of God I have been allowed to catch. ~Henri Nouwenfrom Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life
“Last forever!” Who hasn’t prayed that prayer? You were lucky to get it in the first place. The present is a freely given canvas. That it is constantly being ripped apart and washed downstream goes without saying. ~Annie Dillard from Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
For too much of my life I have focused on my foreshortening future, bypassing the present in my headlong rush to what lies ahead. There is always a goal to achieve, a conclusion becoming commencement of the next phase, a sunset turning right around in a few hours to become sunrise.
Yet the most precious times occur when the present is so over-whelming, so riveting, so tenderly full of beauty that I believe I can see a brief glimpse of God. I must grab hold with all my strength to try and secret it away and keep it forever. Of course the present still slips away from me, elusive and evasive, torn to bits by the unrelenting movement of time.
Even when I’m able to take a photo to lock it to a page or screen, it is not enough. No matter how I choose to preserve the essence of this moment, it is already passed, ebbing away, never to return.
So I write to harvest those times to make them last a little bit longer although they will inevitably be lost downstream into the ether of unread words.
Where have all the words, all the flowers, all those moments gone?
Even if unread, I am learning that words, which had power in the Beginning to create life itself, still can bring tenderness and meaning back to my life. How blessed to live the gift twice: not just in the moment itself but in recording in words that preserve and treasure it all up, if only for that ephemeral blooming moment.
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When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic, Time takes on the strain until it breaks; Then all the unattended stress falls in On the mind like an endless, increasing weight.
The light in the mind becomes dim. Things you could take in your stride before Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit. Gravity begins falling inside you, Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out. And you are marooned on unsure ground. Something within you has closed down; And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time. The desire that drove you has relinquished. There is nothing else to do now but rest And patiently learn to receive the self You have forsaken in the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken And sadness take over like listless weather. The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground; Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight, Taking time to open the well of color That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone Until its calmness can claim you. Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit. Learn to linger around someone of ease Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself, Having learned a new respect for your heart And the joy that dwells far within slow time. ~John O’Donahue “For One Who Is Exhausted, a Blessing”
I know from experience that when I allow busy little doings to fill the precious time of early morning, when contemplation might flourish, I open the doors to the demon of acedia. Noon becomes a blur – no time, no time – the wolfing down of a sandwich as I listen to the morning’s phone messages and plan the afternoon’s errands.
When evening comes, I am so exhausted that vespers has become impossible. It is as if I have taken the world’s weight on my shoulders and am too greedy, and too foolish, to surrender it to God. ~Kathleen Norris from The Quotidian Mysteries
These are days with no breathing room, no time to stop and appreciate that each moment is a swelling bud about to burst into bloom.
And it is my fault that I’m not breathing deeply enough~ simply skimming the surface in my race to the end of the day.
Time’s petals, so open, so brilliant, so eternal, are closing up, unseen and unknown, just emptied, without my even noticing.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Isaiah 40:28-29
This Lenten season I reflect on the words of the 19th century southern spiritual hymn “What Wondrous Love is This”
Sing, Be, Live, See. This dark stormy hour, The wind, it stirs. The scorched earth cries out in vain: O war and power, You blind and blur, The torn heart cries out in pain. But music and singing Have been my refuge, And music and singing Shall be my light. A light of song, Shining Strong: Alleluia! Through darkness, pain, and strife, I’ll Sing, Be, Live, See… Peace.
Oh, good shepherd, would you teach me how to rest I’m rushing on, will you make me to lie down Will you build a fold by the waters that refresh Will you call my name and lead me safely out
From my anxious drive to labor on and on From the restless grind that has put my mind to sleep Will you call me back and gently slow me down Will you show me now what to lose and what to keep
Oh, good shepherd, oh, good friend Slow me down, slow me down Oh, good shepherd, oh, good friend Slow me down, slow me down
When my table’s bent with only greed and gold And my grasping hands are afraid you won’t provide Will you pour the wine that loosens up my hold Set your table here with what truly satisfies
Oh, good shepherd, oh, good friend Slow me down, slow me down Oh, good shepherd, oh, good friend Slow me down, slow me down
On the busy streets trying to make myself a name If the work is yours, there is nothing I can claim Will you lead me home to the pastures of your peace And the house is yours, I’m sitting at your feet
Oh, good shepherd, oh, good friend Slow me down, slow me down Oh, good shepherd, oh, good friend Slow me down, slow me down
Slow me down, slow me down
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I’m on my knees among the crisp brown crunch then stand in time to see two boys slim teens in shorts white t-shirts faces glowing talking quietly bounce of a tennis ball fading as they pass and I’m filled again with a crush of old sweetness at how giving a moment can be as it vanishes the roughened grey branches of the pear small knobby fingers flung out at every tip fresh clutch of weeds at my chest ~Rosie King “Again” from Time and Peonies
Sometimes this feeling hits me – like a blow to the chest taking away my breath – how time passes so swiftly. The flow of days takes bare knobby pear branches in March to April’s fragrant buds and blossoms, to May’s swelling fruit to harvest in late summer, then prepared for storage of its sweetness to be consumed in the dark of winter. Another year and crop of pears gone – just like that.
In a flash of recognition, I try to grasp and clutch this realization to my heart and in one heartbeat it vanishes, leaving a residue of “what was” in the midst of “what is” while on the horizon is “what will be.”
Each year, I place our pears in a bottle (so to speak) – actually jars and dehydrator – it is so much easier than preserving the vanishing hours, days and years.
I breathe in deeply and think: How much this moment gives and takes. How crushed I am by its sweetness.
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