Aiming for the Chopping Block

Aim for the chopping block.
If you aim for the wood, you will have nothing.
Aim past the wood, aim through the wood;
aim for the chopping block.
~Annie Dillard from The Writing Life

photo by Josh Scholten

Over seventeen years ago, I decided to aim for the block on this website of reflections, as if words were wood and pictures were kindling. I started storing up cords of words and pictures, chopping away every day in case I’d need this storehouse of fuel in the future.

As a result, my ax needs constant sharpening.

I have ended up with a quite a pile of over 5000 posts strewn about my feet due to random chopping. I’ve been drenched in sweat at times, some complain about the noise I make, and I’ve garnered my share of blisters and splinters.

I’m readying for when the weather gets cold and the nights long.

It is not that the world needs another blog post or another book —
instead I keep a focused aim, chopping by keeping my eye on the block, cutting through and past the wood. Writing is something to do because I feel better when I do it. What I store up here will keep us warm when life gives us chills.

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Then Something Happened

There was only the dark infinity in which nothing was.
And something happened.
At the distance of a star something happened,
and everything began.
The Word did not come into being, but it was.
It did not break upon the silence,
but it was older than the silence
and the silence was made of it.
~N. Scott Momaday from “House Made of Dawn”

photo by Josh Scholten
photo by Josh Scholten
photo by Josh Scholten

In the beginning was the Word, 
and the Word was with God, 
and the Word was God.  
He was with God in the beginning. 
Through him all things were made;
without him nothing was made that has been made. 
 In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. 
The light shines in the darkness, 
and the darkness has not overcome it.  
John 1

He was created of a mother whom He created.
He was carried by hands that He formed.
He cried in the manger in wordless infancy.
He the Word, without whom all human eloquence is mute.

~St. Augustine of Hippo

Will there really be a “Morning”?
Is there such a thing as “Day”?
Could I see it from the mountains
If I were as tall as they?

Has it feet like Water lilies?
Has it feathers like a Bird?
Is it brought from famous countries
Of which I have never heard?

Oh some Scholar! Oh some Sailor!
Oh some Wise Men from the skies!
Please to tell a little Pilgrim
Where the place called “Morning” lies!

~Emily Dickinson

Something happened.

Something happened,
lighting the darkness and overcoming nothingness.

Something happened
and the story of the Beginning breathes within us.

Something happened
when God’s word broke the silence
as He spoke us into being.

Something happened
and it was the Morning of forever.

His Word was in the Beginning,
and always has been,
and always will be.

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Exposed to the Light of Day

The book sat on the table
for years
before it opened to a page
exposed to light
for the first time.

In their new surroundings
the words trembled
shaking all meaning
from their assembly,
the reader unable to enter.

Then the ink began to run
past the margins
to the mahogany to the floor,
random drops collecting themselves,
expanding from within.

The reader saw fit to stand
by the window,
following a cloud
till it stalled in front of the sun,
sweeping its passage along eyes closed.

As the sky proceeded
to draw the ink from the floor,
affixing the once-quivering words
to the slow-moving cloud,
the reader read the page in the dark.

And when the day’s shadows turned in
for the night
the book closed as it had opened
without a hand,
the reader calling it a day

of prayer.
~Howard Altmann “The Reader” from Infinite Sky Divided

Since childhood, I’ve imagined the books on my shelf having an internal life of their own, filled as they are with words and characters and plots and devices, contained in darkness between two covers until someone opens and reads.

Those words are freed, exposed to the light of day, to leak through the bindings or trickle down the pages to find new destinations. The stories morph, journeying on to who knows where.

Perhaps they drift to the ever-changing clouds that illuminate or darken the skies, depending upon their impact: some words of joy and some words of lament and sorrow.

Perhaps like closed books whose words are set free, when I pray, my words are liberated into the changing light to reach the ear of God.

And it is there my story is told, and He listens carefully to each word.

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Another Mammogram Day

“They’re benign,” the radiologist says,
pointing to specks on the x ray
that look like dust motes
stopped cold in their dance.
His words take my spine like flame.
I suddenly love
the radiologist, the nurse, my paper gown,
the vapid print on the dressing room wall.
I pull on my radiant clothes.
I step out into the Hanging Gardens, the Taj Mahal,
the Niagara Falls of the parking lot.

~Jo McDougall, “Mammogram” from In the Home of the Famous Dead: Collected Poems

Outside the house the wind is howling
and the trees are creaking horribly.
This is an old story
with its old beginning,
as I lay me down to sleep.
But when I wake up, sunlight
has taken over the room.
You have already made the coffee
and the radio brings us music
from a confident age. In the paper
bad news is set in distant places.
Whatever was bound to happen
in my story did not happen.
But I know there are rules that cannot be broken.
Perhaps a name was changed.
A small mistake. Perhaps
a woman I do not know
is facing the day with the heavy heart
that, by all rights, should have been mine.
~Lisel Mueller “In November”

It does not escape me,
especially on call-back mammogram days
when I’m asked to return for a
“closer look” at something that
wasn’t there before.

which turns out to be a 1 cm. nonspecific solid something,
maybe getting smaller over the past ten days.

Maybe a bruise. Maybe not.
Check again in a month.
A brief reprieve that some in the
dressing cubicles around me
don’t get.

I wake every day knowing:
an earthquake happens somewhere else,
a war is leaving people homeless and lifeless,
a tornado levels a town,
a drunk driver destroys a family,
a fire leaves a house in ashes,
a famine causes children to starve,
a flood ravages a town,
a devastating diagnosis darkens
someone’s remaining days.

No mistake has been made,
yet I wake knowing recently
it was my turn to hear bad news,
my heart was heavy,
yet it
still beats,
still breaks,
still bleeds,
still believes
in the radiance of each new day I’m given.
I was reminded again today.

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Back to Back

We lie back to back. Curtains
lift and fall,
like the chest of someone sleeping.
Wind moves the leaves of the box elder;
they show their light undersides,
turning all at once
like a school of fish.
Suddenly I understand that I am happy.
For months this feeling
has been coming closer, stopping
for short visits, like a timid suitor.
~Jane Kenyon “The Suitor”

Andrew Wyeth – Wind from the Sea, 1947

Happiness can be an elusive suitor and is altogether undependable.

I too have had glimpses of it throughout my life – a fleeting “this is it.”
Then the clouds roll in and the ecstasy of the realization fades to mist.

I tend to trust the old reliable friends who show up regularly – like “hopeful” and “contented” and “being at peace” – plus moments when the sweetness of each breath brings tears of overwhelming joy.

Instead of pursuing happiness, (always a pursuit rather than a destination), I thrive on knowing I love deeply and am loved.
That knowledge is what gets me through the really tough times when happiness doesn’t always put in an appearance.

Love shows up.
Love has my back when I’m afraid and full of doubt.
Love persists through sadness.
Love doesn’t give up when everything hurts.
Love is sufficient.

Love is enough to bring those happy tears to my eyes…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a

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I’m in the Way

sunrise82414
thistledown824142

I have seen the sun break through
to illuminate a small field
for a while, and gone my way
and forgotten it. But that was the
pearl of great price, the one field that had
treasure in it. I realize now
that I must give all that I have
to possess it. Life is not hurrying
on to a receding future, nor hankering after
an imagined past. It is the turning
aside like Moses to the miracle
of the lit bush, to a brightness
that seemed as transitory as your youth
once, but is the eternity that awaits you.

~R.S. Thomas “A Bright Field”

Dear God, I cannot love Thee the way I want to.
You are the slim crescent of a moon that I see
and my self is the earth’s shadow
that keeps me from seeing all the moon.
The crescent is very beautiful
and perhaps that is all one like I am should or could see;
but what I am afraid of, dear God,
is that my self shadow will grow so large
that it blocks the whole moon,
and that I will judge myself by the shadow that is nothing.

I do not know You God
because I am in the way.
Please help me to push myself aside.
~Flannery O’Connor from A Prayer Journal

qal81917

…the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price,
went and sold all that he had and bought it.
Matthew 13:45-46

Sometimes the hardest thing is to step out of the way
so my own shadow won’t obscure the Source of illumination. 

When I am blinded by discouragement,
I lose sight of God Himself.

Forgive me, Lord, for my inattention. 

When I lament in the shadows,
help me lift my voice praising your gift, 
the pearl of great price,
which is held out for me to grasp.

sunrise824142

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Not Just a Leaf

holyleaf2

It’s just a leaf. A damaged leaf at that,
clinging to a filbert tree ravaged by blight.
The leaf turns partially back upon itself,
riddled with holes, the traumatic result
of voracious insect appetites.

Damaged does not accurately describe
this leaf, the color of rich burgundy wine,
deep purple veins that branch to the tips
of its serrated edge. The holes open the leaf
to light and air, forming a filigree of nature,
an exquisite fragile beauty.

It makes me think of our own traumas,
how they open us, raw and hurting, humble us,
soften and expand us to the pain of others
and when we are most vulnerable we hold on,
weakened, but not necessarily damaged.

Perhaps it is then our scars become beautiful
and an inner loveliness shines through.
~Lois Parker Edstrom “Fragile Beauty” (an ephrastic poem written about the picture below) from Almanac of Quiet Days

holyleaf1

Nature doth thus kindly heal every wound.
By the mediation of a thousand little mosses and fungi,
the most unsightly objects become radiant of beauty.
There seem to be two sides of this world,

presented us at different times,
as we see things in growth or dissolution, in life or death.
And seen with the eye of the poet,
as God sees them,
all things are alive and beautiful.

~Henry David Thoreau (journal)

holyleaf1-1

…writing was one way to let something of lasting value emerge
from the pains and fears of my little, quickly passing life.
Each time life required me to take a new step

into unknown spiritual territory,
I felt a deep, inner urge to tell my story to others–
Perhaps as a need for companionship but maybe, too,
out of an awareness that my deepest vocation
is to be a witness to the glimpses of God I have been allowed to catch.

~Henri Nouwen

As I stepped under a dripping birch tree on our farm on this rainy summer day, I ran head-long into a branch of leaves that appeared more lace than leaf.

They were filagreed nearly to invisibility, presumably by a leaf miner of some sort who chewed intricate designs as its leavings. The residual was left hanging, trying to make the best of things in the drizzle.

Though they are mostly eaten away, these leaves have nearly fulfilled their full season of growth in support of their home base tree. Instead of an ordinary summer of drying and coloring and dropping as a birch leaf must in another month or two, they instead manifest the creativity of our God who designed his creatures to interact in such a way that beauty could be found in the most unlikely places, slapping us full in the face.

God sees such intricate wounds in the leaf as beautiful.
God knows our visible and invisible scars are the way His Light illuminates our darkness.
I feel the deep urge to share this glimpse of such “holiness” with you.

Lyrics:
No star is o’er the lake,
Its pale watch keeping,
The moon is half awake,
Through grey mist creeping,
The last red leaves fall round
The porch of roses,
The clock hath ceased to sound,
The long day closes.
Sit by the silent hearth
In calm endeavour,
To count the sounds of mirth,
Now dumb for ever.
Heed not how hope believes
And fate disposes:
Shadow is round the eaves,
The long day closes.
The lighted windows dim
Are fading slowly.
The fire that was so trim
Now quivers lowly.
Go to the dreamless bed
Where grief reposes;
Thy book of toil is read,
The long day closes

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Like An Old Song With Minor Variations

Just when you’d begun to feel
You could rely on the summer,
That each morning would deliver
The same mourning dove singing
From his station on the phone pole,
The same smell of bacon frying
Somewhere in the neighborhood,
The same sun burning off
The coastal fog by noon,
When you could reward yourself
For a good morning’s work
With lunch at the same little seaside cafe
With its shaded deck and iced tea,
The day’s routine finally down
Like an old song with minor variations,
There comes that morning when the light
Tilts ever so slightly on its track,
A cool gust out of nowhere
Whirlwinds a litter of dead grass
Across the sidewalk, the swimsuits
Are piled on the sale table,
And the back of your hand,
Which you thought you knew,
Has begun to look like an old leaf.
Or the back of someone else’s hand.
~George Bilgere “August”
from The Good Kiss

I don’t recognize the back of my own hands – surely they belong to someone else.

How is it possible for my hands to now look like my mother’s did?

It’s only possible now that I’ve lived many summers.
Yet I’m not quite dried up like an old leaf. At least not yet.

This dry spell is over; this morning there is magic in the sound and smell of rain.
Like the old song:
“The bright blessed day
The dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world…”

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An Itsy-Bitsy Life

There is always an enormous temptation in all of life
to diddle around making itsy-bitsy friends
and meals and journeys for itsy-bitsy years on end.

It is so self-conscious, so apparently moral,
simply to step aside from the gaps
where the creeks and winds pour down, saying,
I never merited this grace, quite rightly,
and then to sulk along the rest of your days
on the edge of rage.

I won’t have it. 

The world is wilder than that in all directions,
more dangerous and bitter,
more extravagant and bright.

We are making hay
when we should be making whoopee;
we are raising tomatoes
when we should be raising Cain, or Lazarus.
~Annie Dillard from Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

Other than a few exceptional circumstances in my life,
I have always played it safe:
living an itsy-bitsy life being a down-home, don’t rock the boat,
work hard and live-a-quiet-life kind of person,
growing hay and tomatoes and a few other things…

My grandparents lived that way, my parents lived that way.
I feel like it is bound in the twists and turns of my DNA.

I do know a thing or two about sulking on the edge of rage,
lost in a morass of seething bitterness about the state of the world.  Yet if I were honest about it, the discontent I feel is all about me, always about me.

I want to have accomplished more to deserve taking up space in my days on earth. But that’s a problem we all have, isn’t it?

We’re unworthy of such unmerited grace as has been shown to us, raising us from the holes we dig for ourselves. 
It is such a pure Gift I wait for,
borne out of God’s radical sacrifice
deserving from me a life of radical gratitude,
even when I choose to live it out a little quietly,
making hay and raising tomatoes.

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Every Cubic Inch of Space

Why, who makes much of a miracle?

As to me I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk city streets,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach just in the edge of the water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love,
or sleep in the bed at night with any one I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with the rest,
Or watch honey-bees busy around the hive of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds, or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sundown, or of stars shining so quiet and bright,
Or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon in spring;


These with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring, yet each distinct and in its place.

To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same.

Every spear of grass — the frames, limbs, organs, of men and women,
and all that concerns them…


What stranger miracles are there?
~Walt Whitman from Leaves of Grass

Everywhere I turn, there is a miracle in the making. I know this deep in my bones, even when our days on this earth are short. I focus my camera to try to preserve it; I search for words to do it justice.

God touches every square inch of earth as if He owns the place, but these square inches are particularly marked by His artistry. It is a place to feel awed by His magnificence.

The strange miracle is that we are here at all: in an instant we are formed in all our unique potential, never having happened before and never to happen again—to become brain and heart and skin and arms and legs. We were allowed to be born, a miracle in itself in this modern age of conditional conception.

The strangest miracle of all is that we are still loved, corrupted as we are. We are still offered salvage, undeserving as we are. We are still gifted with the miracle of grace until our last breath.

How strange indeed. How utterly wondrous.

There is not a particle of life which does not bear poetry within it.
~
Gustav Flaubert


There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!
~Abraham Kuyper

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