How late I came to love you, O Beauty so ancient and so fresh, how late I came to love you.
You were within me, yet I had gone outside to seek you.
Unlovely myself, I rushed toward all those lovely things you had made. And always you were with me. I was not with you.
All those beauties kept me far from you – although they would not have existed at all unless they had their being in you.
You called, you cried, you shattered my deafness.
You sparkled, you blazed, you drove away my blindness.
You shed your Fragrance, and I drew in my breath and I pant for you, I tasted and now I hunger and thirst. You touched me, and now I burn with longing. ~St. Augustine in Confessions
God spoke in His Word but I didn’t listen. God fed me but I chose junk food. God showed me beauty but I couldn’t see Him. God smelled like the finest rose but I turned away. God touched me but I was numb.
So He sent His Son as Word and food, glistening with pinpoint lights of beauty and fragrance, to illuminate the darkness so I would know my hunger and thirst is only and always for Him alone.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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It is at the edge of a petal that love waits. ― William Carlos Williams
All the field’s a hymn! All trilliums unfold white flames above their trinities of leaves…
now make of our hearts a field to raise your praise ~Luci Shaw from “Spring song, very early morning”from The Green Earth: Poems of Creation
The flaw is no more noticeable, even to me, than a new moth-hole in my sweater, or a very bald spot on the fabric of my velvet vest.
Yet when I hold the cloth up to the window the sunlight bleeds through. ~Luci Shaw “Defect”
The trillium only thrives where death has been. The mulch of hundreds of autumns fluffs the bed where trillium bulbs sleep, quietly content through most of the year.
When the frost is giving way to dew, the trillium leaves peek out, curious, testing the air. A few stray rays of sun filtering through the overgrowth and canopy encourage the shoots to rise, spread and unfurl.
In the middle, a white bud appears in humility, almost embarrassed to be seen at all.
In a matter of days, the petals spread wide and bold so briefly, curl purplish, wilt and return aground. Leaves wither and fall unnoticed, becoming dust once again.
Then, beauty will rise from decay. Death gives way to pure triune perfection.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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Nothing is so beautiful as Spring – When weeds, in wheels, shoot long and lovely and lush; Thrush’s eggs look little low heavens, and thrush Through the echoing timber does so rinse and wring The ear, it strikes like lightnings to hear him sing; The glassy peartree leaves and blooms, they brush The descending blue; that blue is all in a rush With richness; the racing lambs too have fair their fling.
What is all this juice and all this joy? A strain of the earth’s sweet being in the beginning In Eden garden. – Have, get, before it cloy, Before it cloud, Christ, lord, and sour with sinning, Innocent mind and Mayday in girl and boy, Most, O maid’s child, thy choice and worthy the winning. ~Gerard Manley Hopkins “Spring”
Once, we were innocent, now, no longer.
Cloyed and clouded by sin.
Given a choice, we chose sour over the sweetness we were born to, giving up walks together in the cool of the day to feed an appetite that could never be sated.
God made a choice to win us back with His own blood as if we are worthy of Him. He says we are. He dies to prove it.
Every day I try to believe our earth can be sweet and beautiful again. And then maybe so can I.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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Light changes slowly with subtle words such as cautious and determined, marking a demarcation line across the horizon, delineating between day and night taking over the sky. Drakes in the wetlands are excited by the transformation.
In daylight, the moon is a white wafer. Perception only amazes the participant who never notices the daily occurrences with minor variations.
What difference are the blending shades, clouds wheeling like hawks, the way light haunches on the edge while day begins or ends. There is always this anticipation of the differences, and the end results are that our expectations are met—
not in color or uncertain times for the transfers but in the way no two days begin or end the same. For thousands of years, the universe has palpitated, expanded, and contracted like a heart with such restlessness we barely notice what is plain to the eye: the universe is constant and changeable. We barely break the surface of observation, and when we do, we take for granted the drakes will migrate when marshes are ice-tinged, and the drakes will return when spring returns, never considering it might be otherwise. ~Martin Willitts Jr., “Transformation” from Leave Nothing Behind
I got out of bed on two strong legs. It might have been otherwise. I ate cereal, sweet milk, ripe, flawless peach. It might have been otherwise. I took the dog uphill to the birch wood. All morning I did the work I love. At noon I lay down with my mate. It might have been otherwise. We ate dinner together at a table with silver candlesticks. It might have been otherwise. I slept in a bed in a room with paintings on the walls, and planned another day just like this day. But one day, I know, it will be otherwise. ~Jane Kenyon “Otherwise”
No two days begin or end the same way. It is my privilege to watch and take note.
I spent much of seven decades barely noticing, absorbed in all but what transpired right beneath my feet and over my head.
Now I take the time and effort to appreciate each day’s uniqueness and share what I see and hear and feel.
Yes, palpitations in the world and within me catch my breath. There is expansion and contraction and some moments of skipped beats.
The point is that the beat goes on.
I’ll never take transformation for granted again. I welcome it, even as it focuses and fascinates and frightens me. I am well aware, now ever aware, it always could be otherwise.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
English translation:
Hear, smith of the heavens, what the poet asks. May softly come unto me thy mercy. So I call on thee, for thou hast created me. I am thy slave, thou art my Lord.
God, I call on thee to heal me. Remember me, mild one, most we need thee. Drive out, O king of suns, generous and great, human every sorrow from the city of the heart.
Watch over me, mild one, most we need thee, truly every moment in the world of men. Send us, son of the virgin, good causes, all aid is from thee, in my heart.
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… Maybe they have no place to return or are lost, having gone too far from the nest.
Female bees will also burrow deep inside the shade of a squash flower: the closer to the source of nectar, the warmer and more quilt-like the air. In the cool hours of morning, look closely for the slight but tell-tale trembling in each flower cup: there, a body dropped mid-flight, mid-thought. How we all retreat behind some folded screen as work or the world presses in too soon, too close, too much. ~Luisa Igloria from “Ode to Tired Bumblebees Who Fall Asleep Inside Flowers With Pollen on Their Butts”
How can I love this spring when it’s pulling me through my life faster than any time before it? When five separate dooms are promised this decade and here I am, just trying to watch a bumblebee cling to its first purple flower. I cannot save this world. But look how it’s trying, once again, to save me. ~James Pearson “This Spring”
It isn’t unusual to find a bumblebee clinging to a spring blossom, all covered in morning dew, having overstayed its welcome as the evening chill hit the night before.
The bumble is too cold to fly, or think, or navigate. Instead it just clings through the night until the sun rises and the air once again warms its wings.
Maybe it got lost. Maybe it is simply weary from flying with such tiny wings. Maybe it has no home to retreat to in the darkness. Maybe it only wants to cling tight to beauty in a dangerous world.
I’ve known what this feels like, dear plump fluffy bumble. I think I know how you feel, patiently waiting for the descent of Love to revive my spirit and warm my wings…
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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‘Verily Thou art a God that hidest Thyself.’ is. xlv. 15.
God, though to Thee our psalm we raise No answering voice comes from the skies; To Thee the trembling sinner prays But no forgiving voice replies; Our prayer seems lost in desert ways, Our hymn in the vast silence dies.
We see the glories of the earth But not the hand that wrought them all: Night to a myriad worlds gives birth, Yet like a lighted empty hall Where stands no host or door or hearth Vacant creation’s lamps appal.
We guess; we clothe Thee, unseen King, With attributes we deem are meet; Each in his own imagining Sets up a shadow in Thy seat; Yet know not how our gifts to bring, Where seek thee with unsandalled feet.
And still th’unbroken silence broods While ages and while aeons run, As erst upon chaotic floods The Spirit hovered ere the sun Had called the seasons’ changeful moods And life’s first germs from death had won.
And still th’abysses infinite Surround the peak from which we gaze. Deep calls to deep and blackest night Giddies the soul with blinding daze That dares to cast its searching sight On being’s dread and vacant maze.
And Thou art silent, whilst Thy world Contends about its many creeds And hosts confront with flags unfurled And zeal is flushed and pity bleeds And truth is heard, with tears impearled, A moaning voice among the reeds.
My hand upon my lips I lay; The breast’s desponding sob I quell; I move along life’s tomb-decked way And listen to the passing bell Summoning men from speechless day To death’s more silent, darker spell.
Oh! till Thou givest that sense beyond, To shew Thee that Thou art, and near, Let patience with her chastening wand Dispel the doubt and dry the tear; And lead me child-like by the hand; If still in darkness not in fear.
Speak! whisper to my watching heart One word—as when a mother speaks Soft, when she sees her infant start, Till dimpled joy steals o’er its cheeks. Then, to behold Thee as Thou art, I’ll wait till morn eternal breaks. ~Gerard Manley Hopkins “Nondum (Not Yet)”
There is great darkness right now in our country’s leadership, spilling shadows over the rest of the world.
Each day brings a new proclamation of presumed earthly power, exacting great cost to those who are most vulnerable and powerless.
Though it may seem God is silent, He is not.
God broods, as do parents who protect their offspring. He hears the cries of His people who are harmed and helpless. He will respond, and His children understand we are still in the “not yet” of His kingdom on earth, and we wait for His return to set all things right.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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I wanted to treat feelings that are not recognized as afflictions and are never diagnosed by doctors. All those little feelings and emotions no therapist is interested in, because they are apparently too minor and intangible. The feeling that washes over you when another summer nears its end. Or when you recognize that you haven’t got your whole life left to find out where you belong. Or the slight sense of grief when a friendship doesn’t develop as you thought, and you have to continue your search for a lifelong companion. Or those birthday morning blues. Nostalgia for the air of your childhood. Things like that. ~Nina George from The Little Paris Bookshop
Are you so weary? Come to the window; Lean, and look at this — Something swift runs under the grass With a little hiss . . .
Now you see it ripping off, Reckless, under the fence. Are you so tired? Unfasten your mind, And follow it hence. ~Mark Van Doren “Wind in the Grass”
A white vase holds a kaleidoscope of wilting sweet peas captive in the sunlight on the kitchen table while
wafting morning scent of pancakes with sticky maple syrup swirls on the plate,
down the hall a dirty diaper left too long in the pail, spills over tempera paint pots with brushes rinsed in jars after
stroking bright pastel butterflies fluttering on an easel while wearing dad’s oversized shirt buttoned backwards
as he gently guides a hand beneath the downy underside of the muttering hen reaching a warm egg hiding in the nest
broken into fragments like a heart while reading the last stanza of “Dover Beach” in freshman English
Just down the hall of clanging lockers To orchestra where strains of “Clair de Lune” accompany
the yearning midnight nipple tug of a baby’s hungry suck hiccups gulping in rhythm to the rocking rocking
waiting for a last gasp for breath through gaping mouth, mottled cooling skin
lies still between bleached sheets illuminated by curtain filtered moonlight just visible
through the treetops while whoosh of owl wings are felt not heard, sensed not seen.
Waking to bright lights and whirring machines the hushed voice of the surgeon asking
what do you see now, what can you hear, what odor, what flavor, what sensation on your skin
with each probe of temporal lobe, of fornix and amygdala hidden deep in gray matter
of neurons and synaptic holding bins of chemical transmitters storing the mixed bag of the past and present
to find and remove the offending lesion that seizes up all remembrance, all awareness
and be set free again to live, to love, to swoon at the perfume of spring sweet peas climbing dew fresh at dawn,
tendril wrapping over tendril, the peeling wall of the garden shed
no more regrets, no more grief no more sorrow.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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I think there is no suffering greater than what is caused by the doubts of those who want to believe. I know what torment this is, but I can only see it, in myself anyway, as the process by which faith is deepened. What people don’t realize is how much religion costs. They think faith is a big electric blanket, when of course it is the cross. It is much harder to believe than not to believe. If you feel you can’t believe, you must at least do this: keep an open mind. Keep it open toward faith, keep wanting it, keep asking for it, and leave the rest to God. ~Flannery O’Connor from The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O’Connor
And those are called blessed who make the effort to remain open-hearted. Nothing that comes from God, even the greatest miracle, can be proven like 2 x 2 = 4. It touches one; it is only seen and grasped when the heart is open and the spirit purged of self. Then it awakens faith.
… the heart is not overcome by faith, there is no force or violence there, compelling belief by rigid certitudes. What comes from God touches gently, comes quietly; does not disturb freedom; leads to quiet, profound, peaceful resolve within the heart. ~Romano Guardini from The Living God
On my doubting days, days too frequent and tormenting, I remember the risen Christ reaching out to place Thomas’s hand in His wounds, gently guiding Thomas to His reality, so it then becomes Thomas’s reality. His open wounds called to Thomas’s mind and heart, and to mine, His flesh and blood awakening a hidden faith by a simple touch.
Leave it to God to know how to reach the unreachable.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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Softnesse, and peace, and joy, and love, and blisse, Exalted Manna, gladnesse of the best, Heaven in ordinarie, man well drest, The milkie way, the bird of Paradise,
Church-bels beyond the stars heard, the souls bloud, The land of spices, something understood. ~George Herbert from “Prayer I”
Breathe in me, O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may be holy. Act in me, O Holy Spirit, that my work, too, may be holy. Draw my heart, O Holy Spirit, that I love but what is holy. Strengthen me, O Holy Spirit, to defend all that is holy. Guard me, then, O Holy Spirit, that I always may be holy. ~Augustine prayer
Considering the distance between us and God, what seems insurmountable to overcome, how amazing it only takes a few words to Him, our pleas and praise, our breath in His ear, when, unhesitating He plummets to us; we are lifted to Him.
Heaven richly dwells in the ordinary.
The plainness in our prayers is the desire to be known, to be fully understood, to be loved by the One who is our Creator, making us extraordinary.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day. Whathours, O what black hours we have spent This night! what sights you, heart, saw; ways you went! And moremust, in yet longer light’s delay.
With witness I speak this. But where I say Hours I mean years, mean life. And my lament Is cries countless, cries like dead letters sent To dearest him that lives alas! away.
I am gall, I am heartburn. God’s most deep decree Bitter would have me taste: my taste was me; Bones built in me, flesh filled, blood brimmed the curse.
Selfyeast of spirit a dull dough sours. I see The lost are like this, and their scourge to be As I am mine, their sweating selves; but worse. ~Gerard Manley Hopkins “I wake and feel the fell of dark”
Surfacing to the street from a thirty two hour hospital shift usually means my eyes blink mole-like, adjusting to searing daylight after being too long in darkened windowless halls. This particular January day is different. As the doors open, I am immersed in a subdued gray Seattle afternoon, with horizontal rain soaking my scrubs.
Finally remembering where I had parked my car in pre-dawn dark the day before, I start the ignition, putting the windshield wipers on full speed. I merge onto the freeway, pinching myself to stay awake long enough to reach my apartment and my pillow.
The freeway is a flowing river current of head and tail lights. Semitrucks toss up tsunami waves cleared briefly by my wipers frantically whacking back and forth.
Just ahead in the lane to my right, a car catches my eye — it looks just like my Dad’s new Buick. I blink to clear my eyes and my mind, switching lanes to get behind. The license plate confirms it is indeed my Dad, oddly 100 miles from home in the middle of the week. I smiled, realizing he and Mom have probably planned to surprise me by taking me out for dinner.
I decide to surprise them first, switching lanes to their left and accelerating up alongside. As our cars travel side by side in the downpour, I glance over to my right to see if I can catch my Dad’s eye through streaming side windows. He is looking away to the right at that moment, obviously in conversation. It is then I realize something is amiss. When my Dad looks back at the road, he is smiling in a way I have never seen before. There are arms wrapped around his neck and shoulder, and a woman’s auburn head is snuggled into his chest.
My mother’s hair is gray.
My initial confusion turns instantly to fury. Despite the rivers of rain obscuring their view, I desperately want them to see me. I think about honking, I think about pulling in front of them so my father would know I have seen and I know. I think about ramming them with my car so that we’d perish all, unrecognizable, in an explosive storm-soaked mangle.
At that moment, my father glances over at me and our eyes meet across the lanes. His face is a mask of betrayal, bewilderment and then shock, and as he tenses, she straightens up and looks at me quizzically.
I can’t bear to look any longer.
I leave them behind, speeding beyond, splashing them with my wake. Every breath burns my lungs and pierces my heart. I can not distinguish whether the rivers obscuring my view are from my eyes or my windshield.
Somehow I made it home to my apartment, my heart still pounding in my ears. The phone rings and remains unanswered.
I throw myself on my bed, bury my wet face in my pillow and pray for sleep without dreams, without secrets, without lies, without the burden of knowing a truth I alone now knew and wished I didn’t..
Postscript: I didn’t tell anyone what I saw that day. My father never asked. He divorced my mother, and was remarried quickly, my mother and two families shattered as a result. Ten years later, his second wife died due to a relentless cancer, and he returned to my mother, asking her forgiveness and wanting to remarry. Within months, he too was diagnosed with cancer and Mom nursed him through his treatment, remission, recurrence and then hospice.
We became a family again, not the same as before, yet put back together for good reason – forgiving and forgiven.
This year’s Lenten theme:
…where you go I will go… Ruth 1:16
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