I loved you before I was born. It doesn’t make sense, I know.
I saw your eyes before I had eyes to see. And I’ve lived longing for your ever look ever since. That longing entered time as this body. And the longing grew as this body waxed. And the longing grows as the body wanes. The longing will outlive this body.
I loved you before I was born. It doesn’t make sense, I know.
Long before eternity, I caught a glimpse of your neck and shoulders, your ankles and toes. And I’ve been lonely for you from that instant. That loneliness appeared on earth as this body. And my share of time has been nothing but your name outrunning my ever saying it clearly. Your face fleeing my ever kissing it firmly once on the mouth.
In longing, I am most myself, rapt, my lamp mortal, my light hidden and singing.
Yes, I know my mind is a fickle little bee doting on a thousand thoughts, but I’m getting better at chasing my mind back to the moment
so I can see the spiderwebs making hammocks the color of the moon. My son tries to photograph a rainbow outside the car window. It’s impossible,
of course, this wonder, the trying to hold it. But I do what I can. I’ve stopped waiting to enjoy the cinnamon tea. I take deeper breaths and listen
to the flutter of strings floating down from café speakers. I don’t want to be a pilgrim of memory anymore. I want to pop the champagne and salute
this now, and this one with soft brie, dried apricots, and the sunset celebration another anniversary of light while I eat fists of grapes the same shade
and sweetness of night. Congratulations, Time. Look at you and your gorgeous minutes full of everything. Three cheers for the temp agency that hired this
particular day, these particular clouds, this set of honking geese migrating through it. I want to be better at being alive, so I’ve been picturing my heart
as a fox—which means wild and nocturnal, not terrorizing the neighbor’s chickens. My love says most equations in quantum field theory give infinity
as an answer, which is not meaningful because all infinities are the same. In that case, let’s stop reaching so hard for it. I’ll take this infinity’s morning where
my son and I confused falling leaves for monarchs. Every time we thought we saw a butterfly, it was just a leaf with the gentlest falling. We laughed at
every mistake, and he said, That was a beautiful confusion. Sometimes when the moment doesn’t offer a praying mantis on the porch or a charismatic sky,
I imagine my heart is my son’s face, and I am back in love with the day, its astonishments like hot-air balloons, and the daily present of power lines strung
with starlings like dozens of music notes. Let me be more bound to my living in each moment, be held by this hum, that cloud, this breath, that shroud. ~Traci Brimhall “This Beautiful Confusion” from Love Prodigal
Some Monday mornings, my mind is going in a thousand different directions. So I follow, knowing there will never be another Monday morning quite like this one. I hope there will be a few hundred more Monday mornings to come.
I want to be better at being alive, noticing, remembering, connecting, and grateful to be breathing.
Perhaps you are here because — you do too…
our sons – 1990
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time and recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
If you read the fine print it clearly states that everything is grace. Under figure 3A the description reads This breath, in fact, is a gift. And further down: This body, you’ve no doubt observed, will go away. This flesh has a shelf-life. One footnote says, As a best case, the body will last a century. Though it more commonly fails between seven and eight decades into use.*
There is a haunted asterisk on that fact.
*Sometimes, for no reason found in this book, the body fails sooner. After only days or months or too few orbits around the sun, through sudden impact or subtle violence of disease, a lifespan is condensed dramatically. We cannot find an explanation, as noted above.
At the end of the chapter is a summary with discussion questions for further examination:
We don’t get forever. We are not entitled to years. We may get one hundred. We may not. There is no reason for this. There is nothing to fear.
What does this have to do with the reality of a sunrise peeking through the blinds? How does this impact the crisp sweetness of a crimson apple in autumn? Which is greater: poetry or success? What is heavier: despair or the tiny hairs on the surface of a raspberry? What is enough: this moment or the sound of the dog breathing deeply in the chair across the room? ~Connor Gwin “The Fine Print”
The main thing is this– when you get up in the morning you must take your heart in your two hands. You must do this every morning. Then talk softly to your heart, don’t yell. Say anything but be respectful. Say–maybe say, Heart, little heart, beat softly but never forget your job, the blood. You can whisper also, Remember, remember. ~Grace Paley from “The Art of Growing Older” in Just As I Thought
A year ago this week, I was recovering from a prolonged bout of bronchitis and felt my chest was sore when I went out to do my barn chores in the cold winter air. Only it wasn’t because of my persistent cough that my chest hurt.
It was my heart, but I was not listening to it. I was not holding it gently enough and it let me know.
After a year of living with the knowledge that I have a limited shelf life, extended by the emergency placement of two coronary artery stents, I’m much more respectful with my heart. I’m treating it more kindly now that I know it was showing some wear and tear.
Cardiac rehab followed by medically-monitored exercise continues to help. Blood pressure meds, statins, blood thinners help. Weight loss always helps. I can do my barn chores in cold winter air without my chest hurting.
I’ve gained a new awareness of how everything I took for granted is no longer a given. Every breath is a gift. Every sunrise and sunset is a gift. Encouragement and prayer from my family, friends, church and readers around the world especially helps.
I’ve had an extension on my warranty for now after a stunning repair. My heart won’t forget, and never again will I.
God, in fine print, reminds me regularly: everything is grace – there is nothing to fear.
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
These still December mornings… Outside everything’s tinted rose, grape, turquoise, silver–the stones by the path, the skin of the sun
on the pond ice, at the night the aureola of a pregnant moon, like me, iridescent, almost full term with light. ~Luci Shaw from “Advent Visitation“in Accompanied by Angels
Writer Luci Shaw passed into eternity on December 1, just four weeks from her 97th birthday.
A life-long poet and essayist, in addition to being a wife, mother, publisher, gardener and outdoor enthusiast, Luci was a child of God who continually lived out and articulated the questions of faith, grace, and belief.
It is my privilege to have known her as a neighbor in nearby Bellingham. Her books grace my shelves and I cherish her many personal words of encouragement and mentoring.
Luci has gifted the world for decades with beauty and honesty, composing enriching poetic observations with heavenly anticipation. She was nearly full term, iridescent with light which glowed on those around her.
Below is only a small sample of her work. She was still writing and publishing poetry this year. More of her writing and many books can be found at www.lucishaw.com.
Luci Shaw -virtual presentation for Calvin Festival of Faith and Writing 2022
Last night I lay awake and practiced getting old. Not difficult,
but I needed to teach myself to love my destination before I arrive.
I feel the earth shifting under me. My writing hand shakes—its rubbery nudges clumsy,
my mind going slack, the way a day will lose its light and give itself to darkness,
and that long, nocturnal pause of inquiry— What next? And how long before light
reopens her blue eye? And will I need to learn a new language to converse with my Creator?
So, I am a questioner, one who waits, still, to arrive somewhere, some bright nest where
a new language breeds that I can learn to speak, unhindered, into heaven’s air,
somewhere I can live a long time, and never have to look back. ~Luci Shaw “December the 95th Year”
Luci Shaw at a Bellingham reading at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church -2017
In time of drought, let us be thankful for this very gentle rain, a gift not to be disdained though it is little and brief, reaching no great depth, barely kissing the leaves’ lips. Think of it as mercy. Other minor blessings may show up—tweezers for splinters, change for the parking meter, a green light at the intersection, a cool wind that lifts away summer’s suffocating heat. An apology after a harsh comment. A word that opens an unfinished poem like a key in a lock. ~Luci Shaw “Signs” from Eye of the Beholder.
Luci at a Bellingham reading of her poetry at Village Books in 2016
Today, in Bellingham, even the sidewalks gleam. Small change glints from the creases in the lady’s mantle and the hostas after the rain that falls, like grace, unmerited. My pockets are full, spilling over. ~Luci Shaw from “Small Change”
Out of the shame of spittle, the scratch of dirt, he made an anointing.
Oh, it was an agony-the gravel in the eye, the rude slime, the brittle clay caked on the lid.
But with the hurt light came leaping; in the shock and shine, abstracts took flesh and flew;
winged words like view and space, shape and shade and green and sky, bird and horizon and sun,
What next, she wonders, with the angel disappearing, and her room suddenly gone dark.
The loneliness of her news possesses her. She ponders how to tell her mother.
Still, the secret at her heart burns like a sun rising. How to hold it in— that which cannot be contained.
She nestles into herself, half-convinced it was some kind of good dream, she its visionary.
But then, part dazzled, part prescient— she hugs her body, a pod with a seed that will split her. ~Luci Shaw “Mary Considers Her Situation”
When, in the cavern darkness, the child first opened his mouth (even before his eyes widened to see the supple world his lungs had breathed into being), could he have known that breathing trumps seeing? Did he love the way air sighs as it brushes in and out through flesh to sustain the tiny heart’s iambic beating, tramping the crossroads of the brain like donkey tracks, the blood dazzling and invisible, the corpuscles skittering to the earlobes and toenails? Did he have any idea it would take all his breath to speak in stories that would change the world? ~Luci Shaw “Breath” from Accompanied By Angels: Poems of the Incarnation
because we are all betrayers, taking silver and eating body and blood and asking (guilty) is it I and hearing him say yes it would be simple for us all to rush out and hang ourselves but if we find grace to weep and wait after the voice of morning has crowed in our ears clearly enough to break our hearts he will be there to ask us each again do you love me ~Luci Shaw “Judas, Peter” from Polishing the Petoskey Stone
Down he came from up, and in from out, and here from there. A long leap, an incandescent fall from magnificent to naked, frail, small, through space, between stars, into our chill night air, shrunk, in infant grace, to our damp, cramped earthy place among all the shivering sheep.
And now, after all, there he lies, fast asleep. ~Luci Shaw “Descent” from Accompanied By Angels
Blue homespun and the bend of my breast keep warm this small hot naked star fallen to my arms. (Rest … you who have had so far to come.) Now nearness satisfies the body of God sweetly. Quiet he lies whose vigor hurled a universe. He sleeps whose eyelids have not closed before. His breath (so slight it seems no breath at all) once ruffled the dark deeps to sprout a world. Charmed by doves’ voices, the whisper of straw, he dreams, hearing no music from his other spheres. Breath, mouth, ears, eyes he is curtailed who overflowed all skies, all years. Older than eternity, now he is new. Now native to earth as I am, nailed to my poor planet, caught that I might be free, blind in my womb to know my darkness ended, brought to this birth for me to be new-born, and for him to see me mended I must see him torn. ~Luci Shaw “Mary’s Song”
My 2025 Advent theme: On the threshold between day and night
On that day there will be neither sunlight nor cold, frosty darkness. It will be a unique day—a day known only to the Lord— with no distinction between day and night. When evening comes, there will be light. Zechariah 14:6-7
So once in Israel love came to us incarnate, stood in the doorway between two worlds, and we were all afraid. ~Annie Dillard in Teaching a Stone to Talk
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
Even in the darkness where I sit And huddle in the midst of misery I can remember freedom, but forget That every lock must answer to a key, That each dark clasp, sharp and intimate, Must find a counter-clasp to meet its guard. Particular, exact and intricate, The clutch and catch that meshes with its ward. I cry out for the key I threw away That turned and over turned with certain touch And with the lovely lifting of a latch Opened my darkness to the light of day. O come again, come quickly, set me free, Cut to the quick to fit, the master key. ~Malcolm Guite “O Clavis” from Sounding the Seasons
And I will place on his shoulder the key of the house of David. He shall open, and none shall shut; and he shall shut, and none shall open… to open the eyes that are blind, to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon, from the prison those who sit in darkness. Isaiah 22:22 and 42:7
Some doors in our lives appear forever closed and locked. No key, no admittance, no way in, no way out. A locked door leaves few choices until the key is offered to us.
We now must make a choice, even if the choice is to do nothing.
Do we drop the key and stay put where things are at least familiar? Do we knock and politely wait for the door to be answered? Do we simply wait for the moment it happens to open, take a peek and decide whether or not to enter? Or do we boldly put the key in and walk through?
Our choice is as plain as the key resting in our trembling hand. Once we approach, drawn to the mystery, we find the door is already standing open with an invitation.
Fear not. For unto us a child is born, a son is given.
He is the threshold between two worlds, between the darkness and the light, a liminal love allowing us to hold the key.
From the fourth stanza of O Come, O Come Emmanuel:
O come, thou Key of David, come and open wide our heav’nly home; make safe the way that leads on high, and close the path to misery.
AI image created for this post
My 2025 Advent theme: On the threshold between day and night
On that day there will be neither sunlight nor cold, frosty darkness. It will be a unique day—a day known only to the Lord— with no distinction between day and night. When evening comes, there will be light. Zechariah 14:6-7
So once in Israel love came to us incarnate, stood in the doorway between two worlds, and we were all afraid. ~Annie Dillard in Teaching a Stone to Talk
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
Everyone suddenly burst out singing; And I was filled with such delight As prisoned birds must find in freedom, Winging wildly across the white Orchards and dark-green fields; on—on—and out of sight.
Everyone’s voice was suddenly lifted; And beauty came like the setting sun: My heart was shaken with tears; and horror Drifted away. . . O, but Everyone Was a bird; and the song was wordless; the singing will never be done. ~Siegried Sassoon “Everyone Sang”
“Hope” is the thing with feathers – That perches in the soul – And sings the tune without the words – And never stops – at all –
And sweetest – in the Gale – is heard – And sore must be the storm – That could abash the little Bird That kept so many warm –
I’ve heard it in the chillest land – And on the strangest Sea – Yet – never – in Extremity, It asked a crumb – of me. ~Emily Dickinson “Hope is the thing with feathers”
When it feels like the world is rent in two, and the gulf into which we topple too wide and dark to climb without help, we can look to the sky and see the birds’ stitching and hear their wordless singing, the careful caring line of connection pulling us out of a hopeless hole, startled and grateful to be made whole. Hope borne on feathered wings: may we fly threaded and knitted to one another, singing.
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
My mother and I debate: we could sell the black walnut tree to the lumberman, and pay off the mortgage. Likely some storm anyway will churn down its dark boughs, smashing the house. We talk slowly, two women trying in a difficult time to be wise. Roots in the cellar drains, I say, and she replies that the leaves are getting heavier every year, and the fruit harder to gather away. But something brighter than money moves in our blood – an edge sharp and quick as a trowel that wants us to dig and sow. So we talk, but we don’t do anything.
What my mother and I both know is that we’d crawl with shame in the emptiness we’d made in our own and our fathers’ backyard. So the black walnut tree swings through another year of sun and leaping winds, of leaves and bounding fruit, and, month after month, the whip- crack of the mortgage. ~Mary Oliver from “The Black Walnut Tree” from Twelve Moons
photo by Dan Gibson
We bought this old farm thirty-five years ago: the Lawrence family’s “Walnut Hill Farm” – a front yard lined with several tall black walnut trees brought as seedlings in a grandfather’s suitcase from Ohio in the ought-1900’s.
These trees thrived for nearly a century on this hilltop farm overlooking the Canadian mountains to the north, the Nooksack River valley to the west, the Cascade peaks to the east, each prolific in leaves and prodigious in fruit.
The first year we were here, a windstorm took one tree down. A neighbor offered to mill the twisted trunk for shares. The fallen tree became planks of fine grained chocolate-hued lumber.
This old tree is the back facing of our oak door cupboards, a daily reminder of a legacy left behind~ sturdy even if imperfect, still beautiful to the eye and the heart.
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
Some mornings all I do is write down words—cistern, tribal, cached—copying them from sprawled pages of books across my desk, words that call out— glimmerings, cursive, saffron, heartwood—holding me in place as if to say listen, you may need me someday, I might offer you another way toward beauty, or even beyond. ~Andrea Potos “Daily Practices” from The Presence of One Word
I want to make poems that look into the earth and the heavens and see the unseeable. I want them to honor both the heart of faith, and the light of the world; the gladness that says, without any words, everything. ~Mary Oliver from “Everything”from New and Selected Poems: Volume Two
This morning
poem hopes
that even though its lines are broken
its reader
will be drawn forward to the part where blueberries firm against fingers
In the ghostly dawn I write new words for your ears— Even now you sleep. ~Amy Lowell“V” from Twenty-Four Hokku
The blueberry fields are all afire, each leaf an October mosaic.
As chlorophyll wanes, the colors appear by magic, like words selected for a poem which begins as an empty slate.
Each carefully chosen.
Each surrounded by silence becoming more holy when it’s no longer empty.
So much of the beauty of poetry is the silence, a pause between the words.
Like life, there is nothing empty or meaningless about pausing.
Like poet Mary Oliver:
I want to make poems that look into the earth and the heavens and see the unseeable.
I am so awed at your faithful reading and generous sharing of what I offer here.
Even when my lines are broken, or I say again what another has already said much better, yet bears repeating — I too try to write with quiet hands, and see through quiet eyes, out of reverence and awe for what unseeable gifts God has given us.
Thank you for being here with me.
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
Now constantly there is the sound, quieter than rain, of the leaves falling.
Under their loosening bright gold, the sycamore limbs bleach whiter.
Now the only flowers are beeweed and aster, spray of their white and lavender over the brown leaves.
The calling of a crow sounds Loud — landmark — now that the life of summer falls silent, and the nights grow. ~Wendell Berry “October 10” from New Collected Poems.
Know’st thou not at the fall of the leaf How the heart feels a languid grief Laid on it for a covering, And how sleep seems a goodly thing In Autumn at the fall of the leaf?
And how the swift beat of the brain Falters because it is in vain, In Autumn at the fall of the leaf Knowest thou not? and how the chief Of joys seems — not to suffer pain?
Know’st thou not at the fall of the leaf How the soul feels like a dried sheaf Bound up at length for harvesting, And how death seems a comely thing In Autumn at the fall of the leaf? ~Dante Rossetti “Autumn Song”
If I were a color, I am green, turning to gold, turning to bronze, becoming dust.
If I were a sound, I patter like raindrops and children’s feet. If I were a smell, I would be dry earth soaking up rain. If I were a touch, I am a leaf letting go, landing softly. If I were a taste, I would be warm and bittersweet. If I were a season, I am the wistful goodbye hug of autumn.
But I am none of these, being enough for now; this is enough for now.
Singing in the falling leaves, I will come rejoicing, Singing in the leaves.
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
Begin the song exactly where you are, Remain within the world of which you’re made. Call nothing common in the earth or air, Accept it all and let it be for good.
Start with the very breath you breathe in now, This moment’s pulse, this rhythm in your blood And listen to it, ringing soft and low. Stay with the music, words will come in time.
Slow down your breathing. Keep it deep and slow. Become an open singing-bowl, whose chime Is richness rising out of emptiness, And timelessness resounding into time.
In the center of my chest, a kindling there in the hollow, as if a match had just been struck, or the blinds snapped up on a sealed room, gold suffusing the air, and through the wide windows, a solstice unfolding, mine for the lengthening days. ~Andrea Potts “On Reading John Donne for the First Time” from Her Joy Becomes
I will not forget, dear harvest moon, to keep you as my singing bowl where I can find your song months from now, even when your reflected light leaks out to tangle up in the weary trees of autumn.
Once the leaves fall, you illuminate even the most humble branches in their embarrassed nakedness.
Call nothing common in the earth or air, Accept it all and let it be for good.
When I too need your warm light in the center of my hollowed chest, I’ll know exactly where to find you, as you sing lullabies, waiting for me to empty.
I’ll not forget you, because you never forget to keep looking for me.
One-Time
Monthly
Yearly
Make a one-time or recurring donation to support daily Barnstorming posts
Barnstorming 