No doubt she’s disappointed.
Such a disgrace I turned out to be.
Not a policy-maker
Or tech-savvy entrepreneur.
Nothing of note.
I gave birth three times
and sent three
tall, kind people
into the world
I offered words of consolation
I planted sunflowers
Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist?
MD, PhD, CEO?
Oscar, Emmy, Tony?
I closed my mother’s eyes
when she died
and again, my father’s
I made no fortune
nothing went viral
I sang and danced
for no one
Just an ordinary life
filled with extraordinary love.
~Mary Poindexter McLaughlin “Alma Mater”
Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is a way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples, and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.
~William Martin from The Parent’s Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents
Parents can hold expectations of success for their children
that reflect their own deficiencies or failures.
After all, we want the world to be a better place for them than for us.
Yet no academic degree, no bank account, no notoriety or award
can match living an ordinary life filled with extraordinary love.
I did disappoint my parents despite checking off all the boxes they hoped I would achieve in my younger years, because in retrospect, I disappointed myself.
I tended to cling to old grievances and resentments, withholding myself emotionally from them. I could have been more compassionate in their failing years, more available even though physically present. That is something I cannot undo except to pray now for forgiveness for my own deficiencies and failures.
Giving birth to three tall kind people who we have sent into the world, I hope for them what I wish I had understood when I was sent into the world by my parents: living an ordinary life of extraordinary love is more important than anything else they set out to do.
I rejoice as I see them foster such love with their spouses and their children and their communities: remembering, noticing and breathing life into each new day.
Seeing that, I can let go of my own disgrace and disappointment in myself.