Flat Affect

I used to think the land
had something to say to us,
back when wildflowers
would come right up to your hand
as if they were tame.

Sooner or later, I thought,
the wind would begin to make sense
if I listened hard
and took notes religiously.
That was spring.

Now I’m not so sure:
the cloudless sky has a flat affect
and the fields plowed down after harvest
seem so expressionless,
keeping their own counsel.

This afternoon, nut tree leaves
blow across them
as if autumn had written us a long letter,
changed its mind,
and tore it into little scraps.
~Don Thompson October

photo by Nate Gibson
photo by Nate Gibson

We’re in a time of seasonal abundance but our emotions are spent from containment through lock-down, shelter-in, social distancing, zoom-in and zoom-out.

As I meet with my patients via a televisit, I try to read their faces and find that along with the flatness of our screens, our emotions are flat too. My usual gentle humor to lighten things up becomes pointless – it is hard to elicit smiles these days. On the other hand, there no longer is a need for abundant tissues for tearful conversations because no one will weep on screen. There may be a hint of emotion in a catch in a voice, but I have yet to see anyone actually cry in two months of telehealth conversations. That would be too vulnerable – somehow being on camera suggests we need to put the actor-mask on, be expression-less, strong and invulnerable. And somehow my patient knows I can’t reach out as I would in an exam room, literally and verbally, to reassure them I’m present and listening. I’m not really present on a screen even though I’m listening.

And while out in society, we must literally hide ourselves behind a mask that conceals our smiles as well as our grim-faced frowns.

So our social and clinical interactions are as flat as the screens they play out on.

We need some unchecked tears about now, as well as endless belly laughs. Perhaps there will be a reawakening to the range of emotions we have taken for granted before finding ourselves in this time of restraint and restriction.

As we reintegrate and reunite, slowly, carefully and compassionately, let us re-experience in 3-D what we have been missing in our virtual meetings: tears that accompany joyous reunion as well as the lament of all we’re lost during this time.

Please pass the tissues.

4 thoughts on “Flat Affect

  1. I’ve had more tears in the last 2 years, than my previous 70.
    In the last month, as I made the decision to move or not to move at this time,
    I’ve shed more tears.
    This morning while listening to a radio station with a Christian scientist speaking,
    I was reminded again how long it will be until we can return comfortably and confidently to real face to face meetings.
    It is just so sad how much we have lost these last 3 months.
    It’s going to be a long haul and I’m already weary of the way we need to live life these days.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Emily, you really nailed something with this post: “I’m not really present on a screen even though I’m listening.” Elise and I have really struggled with trying to deal with online education for my grandsons (ages 6 and 8). It has not been a huge success, and what you wrote offers at least a partial explanation.

    For a physician, the remoteness must be agonizing at times. I keep you in my prayers.

    As we continue to live in these times of the pandemic, I try to remember the words of Elder Paisios; “So in every test, let us say, ‘Thank you, my God, because this was needed for my salvation.”

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Linda, things aren’t going to feel “normal” for some time and maybe not ever quite back to what we knew before. In some ways, perhaps we will be more attentive to the little things that we ignored before. I hope you can find a smile somewhere in the sadness as you navigate these changes – my heart is with you! Emily

    Like

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