My own heart let me more have pity on; let
Me live to my sad self hereafter kind,
Charitable; not live this tormented mind
With this tormented mind tormenting yet.
I cast for comfort I can no more get
By groping round my comfortless, than blind
Eyes in their dark can day or thirst can find
Thirst’s all-in-all in all a world of wet.
~Gerard Manley Hopkins
January 1979
Surfacing to the street from a thirty two hour hospital shift usually means my eyes blink mole-like, adjusting to searing daylight after being too long in darkened windowless halls. This particular January day is different. As the doors open, I am immersed in a subdued gray Seattle afternoon, with horizontal rain soaking my scrubs.
Finally remembering where I had parked my car in pre-dawn dark the day before, I start the ignition, putting the windshield wipers on full speed. I merge onto the freeway, pinching myself to stay awake long enough to reach my apartment and my pillow.
The freeway is a flowing river current of head and tail lights. Semitrucks toss up tsunami waves cleared briefly by my wipers frantically whacking back and forth.
Just ahead in the lane to my right, a car catches my eye — it looks just like my Dad’s new Buick. I blink to clear my eyes and my mind, switching lanes to get behind. The license plate confirms it is indeed my Dad, oddly 100 miles from home in the middle of the week. I smiled, realizing he and Mom have probably planned to surprise me by taking me out for dinner.
I decide to surprise them first, switching lanes to their left and accelerating up alongside. As our cars travel side by side in the downpour, I glance over to my right to see if I can catch my Dad’s eye through streaming side windows. He is looking away to the right at that moment, obviously in conversation. It is then I realize something is amiss. When my Dad looks back at the road, he is smiling in a way I have never seen before. There are arms wrapped around his neck and shoulder, and a woman’s auburn head is snuggled into his chest.
My mother’s hair is gray.
My initial confusion turns instantly to fury. Despite the rivers of rain obscuring their view, I desperately want them to see me. I think about honking, I think about pulling in front of them so my father would know I have seen and I know. I think about ramming them with my car so that we’d perish, unrecognizable, in an explosive storm-soaked mangle.
At that moment, my father glances over at me and our eyes meet across the lanes. His face is a mask of betrayal, bewilderment and then shock. As he tenses, she straightens up and looks at me quizzically.
I can’t bear to look any longer.
I leave them behind, speeding beyond, splashing them with my wake. Every breath burns my lungs and pierces my heart. I can not distinguish whether the rivers obscuring my view are from my eyes or my windshield.
Somehow I made it home to my apartment, my heart still pounding in my ears. The phone is ringing and ringing, and won’t be answered.
I throw myself on my bed, bury my wet face in my pillow and pray for a sleep without dreams.
This is absolutely heart wrenching.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, Emily. I had to stop reading, and then return. My finger hovered over the ‘Like’ button. But, no.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😦 How awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope your mother never knew..
LikeLiked by 1 person
WHEN MY CROW COMES
He’ll have to be a large, my crow.
With wings the size of football fields
And a body as big as a boxcar.
He should blot out the sun momentarily
Like a dark storm cloud passing through.
The turbulence he makes will bend
Birch trees to the ground.
His call will be heard for three counties.
A smaller bird could not possibly
Lift my heart.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Have you been able to find forgiveness? Thanks be to God our Heavenly Father does not fail us in everlasting love and forgiveness.
LikeLiked by 2 people
yes, Laura, we never spoke of it during the long years he was away from our family with his new family, but forgiveness was necessary for both of us.
LikeLiked by 3 people
That had to be such a painful time…for your whole family to be shattered like that. And for you to see it face to face….. I know when my parent’s divorced after 40 years of marriage, it had such a ripple effect. Such a sad time.
LikeLike
I just cannot imagine your hurt! Hugs.
LikeLike