A Splintered Wreck

photo by Josh Scholten

“The new is always present with the old, however hidden.  I am a frayed and nibbled survivor in a fallen world, and I am getting along. I am aging and eaten and have done my share of eating too. I am not washed and beautiful, in control of a shining world in which everything fits, but instead am wandering awed about on a splintered wreck I’ve come to care for, whose gnawed trees breath delicate air, whose bloodied and scarred creatures are my dearest companions, and whose beauty beats and shines not in its imperfections, but overwhelmingly in spite of them…”
Annie Dillard

Once every few years one of our horses gets hurt and had I made different decisions, I know I could have prevented it from happening.  I feel deeply responsible for the pain experienced by a creature I love and have cared for over two decades; I am a splintered wreck, unable to sleep, sick with guilt.

When the bird chorus began as the clock flipped to 4 AM this morning, my eyes had been open for hours, listening for sounds of distress from the barn. I knew I needed to check on her as soon as daylight dawned.  I walked to the barn in my bathrobe and rubber boots to make sure she had made it okay through the night.  As I approached, I heard her greeting me with her usual morning nicker, welcoming me back into her home, showing me grace despite her misery,  her eyes shining bright and expectant despite her cuts and bruises.

The barn contains a world of forgiving despite horses never ever forgetting.  She still loves me in spite of my imperfections.  I wander awed into her stall, touch her tender body and weep.

So, because of this, because of love that surpasses understanding, I am getting along, washed through my tears moistening her dried blood.

5 thoughts on “A Splintered Wreck

  1. Emily, that is a beautiful piece, and I know exactly how you feel. A friend who was a child psychiatrist once said to me, “A parent can only be as happy as her unhappiest child”. The same goes for our animals.

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  2. As I cleaned and mended a new injury, best I could with amateur vet skills this week, I remembered an injury 3 years ago that I had not found the cause of yet… not that anyone in my barn complains. So very well said, thank you so much.

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  3. Your piece was inspirational, it was something I am very close to being a horse owner myself. They always welcome us back. I have several rescues that have had to overcome so many things that were done to them by the people who didn’t care. To see them heal and trust again is beautiful. Thank you Annie

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  4. Dear Emily, Reminds me of how God looks at us…pure love, trusting that we do His will, knowing His Son paid the price….thru the eyes of our horses. They look deep into our soul and know us better than we know ourselves.

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  5. I am so appreciative of the understanding coming from my friends who are horse owners. They can get hurt so quickly in ways that I find impossible to predict. My little mare is doing much better, so therefore, so am I.

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