Dwindled Dawn

photo by Josh Scholten

“Morning without you is a dwindled dawn.”
Emily Dickinson

My adjustment to our children being grown and away from home has been slow: I instinctively grab too many plates and utensils when setting the table, the laundry and dishwasher loads seem skimpy but I wash anyway, the tidiness of their bedrooms is frankly disturbing as I pass by. I need a little mess and noise around to feel that living is actually happening under this roof and that all is well.

Now it has been three days since my husband went out of town for a work-related conference and I’m knocking around an empty unbearably oversized house, wondering what to do with myself.

I have a serious case of the dwindles. The cure will be arriving back home tonight, and another fix arrives on an airplane a week from tomorrow, followed by two other remedies arriving for shorter summer visits in a month or so. I realize, like the fading of the dwindled dawn, these are cycles to which I must adapt, appreciate for what they restore in me, and then be willing to let them go.

But now I know: time without you diminishes me.

12 thoughts on “Dwindled Dawn

  1. Life is Change. I have to hate platitudes that are trite and true at the same time. On the high side, the house may feel empty, but your heart and mind are not. Thanks for this bittersweet post.


  2. Hi Emily- I have a day off today and so more time to catch up on FB. Not that I don’t have TIME…but week in/week out I don’t make room in my head. I have struggled since Elora left for college 3 years ago, to find some real sense of purpose for my life. It doesn’t help that my job has been reduced to what it is today. Being a mother filled me, grounded me and gave form and depth to my daily life. I’m trying to find that again, or anew. Finally I do feel the transition to an adult relationship with my daughter is beginning to take a shadowey shape of something that will become more solid with time. Meanwhile I miss having her (even in the periphery) of my life every day. There is still this void, and I still feel that I’m just existing between visits home. I have been told that this is “my” time…but, raising my daughter was really “my” time…my best time, when I felt most connected to life. Sending you love- K


  3. so to get that empty feeling out of your heart go to the barn … the horses will renew you and give you peace . just hearing their breathing and chewing while they munch on hay will help that empty feeling go away … No you shouldn’t bring one of the horses into the house …. that just would create too big of a mess ! Thanks for sharing such deep and private feelings . Peggy in eastern Wash.


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