A Gentle Occasion

barnstormingblog
when I turned two

Getting older:

The first surprise: I like it.
Whatever happens now, some things
that used to terrify have not:

I didn’t die young, for instance. Or lose
my only love. My three children
never had to run away from anyone.

Don’t tell me this gratitude is complacent.
We all approach the edge of the same blackness
which for me is silent.

Knowing as much sharpens
my delight in January freesia,
hot coffee, winter sunlight. So we say

as we lie close on some gentle occasion:
every day won from such
darkness is a celebration.
~ Elaine Feinstein, “Getting Older” from The Clinic, Memory

when I turned 6

It is a privilege to turn 65 today, celebrating the unofficial end of middle age and the beginning of senior citizen discounts and elder status. I’m pleased to make it this far relatively unscathed.

When I was an early grade school kid, I worried about everything: whatever could happen would happen – in my imagination. My parents would perish in an accident while I was at school. My dog would get lost and never come home. I would get sick with a dread disease that only afflicts one in a million children, but I would be that one.

The worries went on and on, often keeping me awake in the night and certainly ensuring that I had stomach aches every morning so my mother would keep me home from school where life felt safer. Our pediatrician, who saw me much more regularly than was actually necessary, would look at me over his glasses with a gentle penetrating gaze, put his hands on my shoulders as I squirmed about on the noisy paper on his exam table, and tell me for the umpteenth time I was 110% healthy so there was nothing I needed to worry about. I now try to instill this confidence in my own patients, thanks to that good man.

But I knew I needed to worry; somehow the worry was a talisman that kept the awful darkness of bad stuff away, things like nuclear bombs and polio outbreaks and earthquakes. That is a heavy load for a little kid to carry, making sure everything stays right with the universe. None of it ever happened in my sheltered little life so I must have been doing something right!

Thankfully, by the time I turned nine, I finally learned to coexist with the inherent risks of daily life, as I realized I, in fact, wasn’t in control of the universe. We lived okay through a 6.3 earthquake. We lived through a 114 mph windstorm that took out the power for a week. We lived through my grandpa dying. Later on I lived through some hard stuff that is painful to even recall so I’d rather not.

Growing older means realizing that bad stuff will happen, and it is usually survivable yet the reality is: life on earth itself isn’t survivable. I’ve seen and experienced plenty of traumatic things over 65 years, and have seen how heroic people can be in the worst possible situations. I’ve even been a bit heroic when I needed to be. But I’ve learned my confidence can’t be in myself or anyone else, and rests in Someone who really is in charge of the universe and who knows all that was, is and will be.

Oh, I still worry. It is hard to stop when it is deeply engrained in my DNA, having descended from a long line of worriers. My children are not grateful for that genetic gift to them. I’m sure my grandchildren won’t thank me either.

Yet, every day I snatch back from that darkness is reason for celebration, and today is no different.

Nearly 24,000 days under my belt of celebrating being here.
Hoping for more gentle occasions like this one.

It’s a great day to be alive.

30 thoughts on “A Gentle Occasion”

  1. Oh, happy wonderful celebration day, Emily! I’m nearly 20 years past your 65, and can attest that everything you’ve said here is still true for me today! Joy and blessing to you this day and all the days to come! (And that sweet grandchild of yours is so beautiful–and seems full of joy herself!)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, we were certainly on the same wavelength today, weren’t we? I’m not as eveolved as you, though; maybe I will be when I hit 65. IF.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Emily. Rose Webster introduced me to you, and what a gift this blog is. Both your pictures and your words lift my heart and remind me to see the miracles in a life where grief is my primary work for now.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. May you have a blessed day celebrating the rich life God gave you. You have been such an encouragement and nurturer in my life through your blog. ..nudging me to see Him in everything. Happiest of birthdays!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for this. As a Serial Worrier Senior Citizen, your thoughts resonate with me. But I have learned to “cast my cares on Him.” And He receives them!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. May God bless you with a wonderful day and a joyful and blessed year ahead….actually three more decades, at least!!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Happy Birthday, Emily!!! I’m five years ahead of you and our Lord seems to have more, or at least, as much for me to do than before. God has used you much for His Kingdom. His blessings to you and your family on this Special milestone! P. S. What a Beautiful grandchild!!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Blessings and Blissings on your Happy Birthday! So happy you’ve weathered the days and are here to share the wisdom and beauty you find, with us.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. and i am 66 tomorrow! i thank ann voskamp for “finding” you and the wonderful blessing your blog has brought to me. Please keep sharing with us, your loyal readers! may His grace keep finding you and what/who you are!!
    a humble thank you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Deb,
    grief IS hard work indeed, something we don’t want more muscles for, but develop nevertheless. So glad Rose pointed you this way. Blessings, Emily

    Like

  27. Belated happy birthday Emily! Though we have never met my husband and I claim you as a friend, having followed your writings and photos for quite a few years now. Thank you for your wisdom and your wonder at all of life God has gifted you with! We are thankful for you!

    Like

  28. Dear Emily, Welcome to the Club of Official Senior Citizens! I am heading for 72 this year. Everything you wrote truly resonates with me. Especially the chronic worrier part. Felicidades!

    Like

  29. Happy Birthday! Your profound love and exuberant faith in God imbue every facet of your life. Your powerful words and pictures as well as the words you meticulously curate from others always resonate. I am grateful for you being God’s conduit for His messages, lessons, beauty and love! God Bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.